Journal of the Motherhood Initiative for Research and Community Involvement (JMI - York University)

Green, Fiona Joy

Book Reviews 
Mother Power: 
Discover the Difference That Women Have Made 
All Over the World 
Jacqueline Horner Plumez 
Niverville, Illinois: Sourcebooks, 2002 
Reviewed by Fiona Joy Green 
I was intrigued by the opening of Mother Power, which asserts that "[mlaternal 
women have a depth of love and emotion, a fierce protective instinct, a sense 
of right and wrong, and a persistence that, when used outside the home, can 
change the world." Although I was uncomfortable with claims o f  instinct" and 
the "sense ofright and wrong," I set aside my bias and settled in for what I hoped 
would be an empowering discussion ofwomen's power as mothers. As I came 
to the end of the first page, however, where Plumez declares that "all maternal 
women have an innate set of skills and abilities, different from traditional male 
qualities, but equally powerful," I grew suspicious and skeptical ofwhat was to 
follow. Was this to be yet another book that romanticizes mothering, that will 
leave some mothers feeling inept and guilty for not meeting unrealistic 
standards of motherhood? I sincerely hoped not. 
An experienced writer - the author is a freelance journalist - Plumez's book 
is well organized and her style is accessible. She successfully uses storytelling 
techniques to introduce the reader to many inspirational accounts of mothers 
around the world who undertake outreach and political work. As a psycholo- 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering / 201 
Book Reviews 
gist, Plumez presents scenarios, questions, answers, and suggestions at the end 
of each chapter, a common feature of self-help books. A limited list of sources 
at the end of the book consists of articles - mainly from newspapers, popular 
magazines, and a couple of academic journals - as well as several websites of 
women's organizations. 
The opening section, 'What Mothers Are," shows how Plumeis theory 
of Mother Power has been inspired by the Argentinean mothers of the Plaza 
de Mayo, who, in 1977, began (and, to a lesser extent, continue) risking their 
lives by publicly protesting against the "junta" who overthrew the government 
and kidnapped and tortured their children. Plumez claims that these women 
are the strongest and most effective role models she has ever encountered, and 
believes that the source of their strength comes from being loving mothers. 
This strength is central to Plumez's vision of Mother Power, the power of 
women to act publicly on their strong maternal convictions to effect change. 
The second section, 'What Mothers Do," promotes the maternal moral 
authority of mothers, which includes ensuring the growth and healing of 
children through unconditional love, common sense, persistence, and creative 
mothering. In the final section, 'What Mothers Need," Plumez stresses that 
powerful mothers must make time for themselves, reach out to others for 
support, and share their troubles with others as a way of turning personal pain 
into purposeful action. Throughout, Plumez includes stories and prescriptive 
suggestions. 
I en-joyed the multiple narratives of how mothers across various cultures 
have become powerful forces for justice and fairness through brave and caring 
maternal action. I was left feeling, however, that Plumez had resurrected - with 
a new twist-the familiar, confining script of patriarchal motherhood, that 
mothers can only be judged worthy and "good" (a quality essential to Mother 
Power and a term Plumez uses throughout her book) when they bring their 
"maternal strengths to bear on problems outside the home" and assume the 
added responsibility of being global peacekeepers. Not only are mothers solely 
responsible for the emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical, moral, and 
intellectual development and well being of their children, they must now be 
responsible for improving the larger social world, as well. 
I appreciate the impressive work that many mothers carry out in the public 
sector, but I am not convinced that there is "a new, but as yet undiscovered, 
movement around the world," as Plumez claims. Most mothers struggle to 
raise their children in a world that systematically undersupports and continually 
blames them for multiple social failures. I also am disturbed by Plumeis call 
for mothers to enhance and employ Mother Power to create social change; by 
using "natural maternal instincts" and flexing their moral authority, mothers 
must assume responsibility for dramatically changing the world. This is an 
unrealistic expectation, one that women will likely fail to meet, just as they 
continually fail to live up to the current unrealistic and unreasonable standards 
of patriarchal motherhood. 
202 1 Volume 7, Number I 


English

Mother Power: Discover the Difference That Women Have Made All Over the World

Contributor Notes

Garza, Susan Loudermilk

Talley, Sharon

Telling Our Grandmothers' Stories: Teaching and Celebrating the History of the Women in Our Lives

Lieber, Andrea

Mother of all Memory: The Loss of Mother and the Search for Self in Writing by American Children of Holocaust Survivors

Editorial Masthead

Kahn, Robbie Pfeufer

Aziz Journal

Nemzoff, Ruth

Book Reviews 
their role as parents. Each chapter provides "real-life" examples of how 
individuals have put these principles into practice. The stories are inspirational 
and often humorous, and the quotes from gandchildren will make readers 
- 
laugh out loud. 
While intended for grandparents, this book will also be relevant to others, 
such as aunts and uncles, who play significant roles in children's lives. Inten- 
tional Grandparenting is a must read for all grandparents who want to enrich 
their relationships with both their grandchildren and adult children. 
Communication Among Grandmothers, 
Mothers, and Adult Daughters 
Michelle Miller-Day 
Mahwah, New Jersey: Lawrence Erlbaum, 2004 
Reviewed by Ruth Nemzoff 
Congratulations to Michelle Miller-Day for writing a readable academic study, 
Communication Among Grandmothers, Mothers, and A d d  Daughkrs. Miller- 
Day's book begins with an excellent review of the limited literature on mother- 
adult child relationships across the generations, and goes on to present a 
detailed study of three generations of several different families living in one 
town. Her qualitative analysis focuses on how intergenerational relationships 
influence individual outcomes. 
Miller-Day is to be lauded for revealing that it is the complexity of 
relationships that leads to dependency. The families in which there are many 
problems, such as anorexia, suicidal trends, and depression, tend to be "en- 
meshed" families where the younger women are of lower status in the familial 
hierarchy and depend on the older women for decision-making. The lower- 
status women often repress their own opinions and instincts in deference to the 
older women's judgments and beliefs. In contrast, in "embedded" families each 
generation is encouraged to develop and express its own opinions, which 
encourages a more open atmosphere. 
This book will appeal to those studying relationships between adult kin. 
This is also a useful book for practitioners and family therapists who want to 
help family members communicate through respectful negotiation. 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering / 183 


Communication Among Grandmothers, Mothers and Adult Daughters

Gibson, Priscilla A.

Scherer, Carolyn Cornils

The Social Construction of Success for Grandchildren by African American Grandmothers

Lee, Becky R.

Becky R. Lee 
Between a Rock and 
a Hard Place 
Motherhood in Medieval Europe 
In the eyes ofthe medieval Christian Church it was a woman's duty to share her 
husband's bed and to bear his children. Yet, those very duties put her soul in peril. 
Motherhoodwas a noble vocation, but becoming a mother, that is, engaging in sexual 
intercourse, and bearing and birthing children, wasfiaught with spiritual dangers. 
"Between a Rock and Hard Place" examines this contradiction at the heart of 
medieval European motherhood, and explores some of the ways women negotiated 
their way through those conJlicting values and expectations. 
In her spiritual autobiography, Margery Kempe, a fifieenth-century English 
woman, and mother of fourteen children, records conversations between 
herself and Jesus. In one conversation, Jesus informs her that she is pregnant 
once again. Margery is appalled, and responds to the news by bewailing her 
married sexuality. "Lord," she wails, "I am not worthy to hear you speak, and 
still to make love with my husband, even though it is great pain and great 
distress to me" (1985: 84, ch. 1.21). Margery, along with her contemporaries, 
was caught between a rock and a hard place. In the eyes of the medieval 
Christian Church it was a woman's duty to share her husband's bed and bear 
his children. Yet, those very duties put her soul in peril. Motherhood was a 
noble vocation, but becoming a mother, that is, engaging in sexual intercourse, 
and bearing and birthing children, were fraught with spiritual dangers (see 
Atkinson, 1991). In the following pages, I examine this contradiction at the 
heart of medieval European motherhood, and explore some of the ways women 
negotiated their way through those conflicting values and expectations. 
Margery's dilemma has its roots in the earliest days of Christianity. The 
early church valued virginity both as a sign of contradiction amidst, what it 
characterised as, the lax morals of the Greco-Roman world of late antiquity, 
152 1 Volume 7, Number 1 
and as a sign of faith in Christ's anticipated return (see Zizioulas, 1985: 23-43). 
The letters of Paul are particularly instructive in this regard. In the first letter 
to the Corinthians, Paul encourages both men and women to live as if they are 
unmarried because the world as they know it is passing away. In that letter, he 
describes the unmarried woman as being "anxious about the affairs of the Lord, 
so that they may be holy in body and spirit" (I Cor. 7:34 New RevisedStandard 
Version). The marriedwoman, on the other hand, is preoccupiedwithless noble 
concerns; she is "anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her 
husband." 
When Christ did not return as quickly as was anticipated, the Church 
Fathers turned their attention to the question of how to live the Christian life 
in this world. They wrote at length about sexuality and family life. Here, they 
embraced the influence of the Greco-Roman world, framing their discussions 
of sexuality and family life within Platonic and Neo-Platonic dualism, separat- 
ing the spiritual from the material, identifying women's procreative bodies as 
imperfect, corrupt and corrupting (see Atkinson, 1983b). Holiness continued 
to be equated with virginity. Margery Kempe attests to the fact that this 
equation persisted into the late middle ages when she bemoans the loss of her 
virginity in another conversation with Jesus: 
Because I am no virgin, lack of virginity is now great sorrow to me. I 
think I wish I had been killed as soon as I was taken from the 
[baptismal] font, so that I should never have displeased you, and then, 
blessed Lord, you would have had my virginitywithout end. (Kempe, 
1985: 86, ch. 1.22) 
Christianity did provide opportunities for women to live celibate lives- 
as nuns, recluses, and anchoresses. But the majority ofwomen did not have the 
necessary financial resources and family permission to pursue them. Most 
- 
women &ere obliged to marry. And good Christian wives could not deny their 
husbands their conjugal rights. In the first letter to the Corinthians, Paul 
exhorts husbands and wives to give to each other their conjugal rights. "Do not 
deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote 
yourselves to prayer, and then come together again so that Satan may not tempt 
you because of your lack of self-control" (1 Cor. 7: 5 NRSV). This obligation 
to pay the marriage debt, as it was called, became enshrined in canon law. Both 
husband and wife were bound by it. If one partner desired to forego her or his 
sexual relationship in order to pursue the better way, a life of celibate holiness, 
she or he had to obtain the agreement of her or his partner. 
Margery finally obtained this permission after twenty years of marriage 
and fourteen children. 
It  happened on Friday, Midsummer Eve, in very hot weather-as this 
creature was coming from York carrylng a bottle of beer in her hand, 
Journal ofthe Associationfor Research on Mothering 1 153 
BecRy R. Lee 
and her husband a cake tucked inside his clothes against his chest.. . . 
(Kempe, 1985: 58, ch. 1.11) 
As they walked along her husband John asked Margerywhat she would do 
if a highway robber came and threatened to strike off his head unless he made 
love to her. They continued walking toward their destination as they debated 
the merits of the vow of chastity she so desired. M e r  some very harsh words 
and hard bargaining he finally consented. In return, Margery agreed to pay his 
debts, continue to sleep in his bed, and to share his table on Fridays instead of 
fasting as she was accustomed to doing. Not all husbands were so accommo- 
dating. 
Neither was celibacy every woman's cup of tea. Even Margery Kempe, 
despite her protestations to the contrary, appears to have enjoyed sex. She tells 
us that early in her pursuit ofholiness, she was tempted to commit adulterywith 
a man who propositioned her outside a church (see Kempe, 1985: 49-50, ch. 
1.4). Later, after her vow of chastity, she describes being distracted by obscene 
thoughts and visions for twelve days. She confesses that she found these sights 
and thoughts "delicious to her against her will" (Kempe, 1985: 184, ch. 1.59). 
And most tellingly, Margery admits to having had "very many delectable 
thoughts, physical lust, and inordinate love" (Kempe, 1985: 221, ch. 1.76) for 
her husband's body. 
Margery Kempe was a controversial figure in her day, and she continues 
to be in ours. Scholars debate her motives and her place in the Christian 
mystical tradition (e.g. see Glascoe, 1993: 268-319; Neaman, 1988), and they 
question the authorship of her spiritual autobiography (e.g. see Hirsh, 1975). 
They do agree however that The Book ofMargey Kempe reflects her times. 
Although Margery's behaviour and her piety were somewhat extreme, the 
sentiments she expresses conformed to the understanding ofher age, and would 
have been shared by her friends and neighbours. 
Whiie Margery's response to the dilemma of medieval motherhood was a 
bit unusual, her claim to mysticism was not. Women have always found 
mysticism a space within which to resist and negotiate the constraints placed 
upon them (see Atkinson, 1983a: 157-194). Mystical experience is direct 
unmediated experience of God, circumventing accepted religious, social and 
gender hierarchies. What was unusual about Margery was that she set about 
pursuing a career as a mystic and a pilgrim with her husband and children in 
tow, figuratively if not always literally (see Atkinson, 1983a: 39-66). While still 
living with her husband, Margery travelled around England, Italy and the Holy 
Land (present-day Israel) in virginal white to consult holy monks, priests and 
anchoresses about her visions and conversations with Jesus. One scholar 
complains that Margery's claim to a mystical vocation was really a ploy on her 
part so that she could travel, limit the number of children she bore and hobnob 
with the rich and famous (Neaman, 1988: 25-7). Others suggest that her claims 
to mystical experience enabled her to reconcile holiness and motherhood. And 
154 1 Volume 7, Number 1 
Between a Rock and a Hard Place 
indeed, throughout her spiritual autobiography, we hear God encourage 
Margery to integrate her married life with the pursuit of holiness. At one point 
in her spiritual journey, Margery tells us that Jesus assured her of a place in 
heaven and then he asked her whom she would have as her companion there. 
She requested that her spiritual director accompany her. At this, Jesus asked, 
'Why do you ask for him more than your own father or your husband?" (Kempe, 
1985: 55, ch. 1.8). Margery also recounts that when she and her husband were 
living apart after their vow of chastity, her husband had a serious accident. She 
was reluctant to take him home and look after him because it would interfere 
with her devotions and ministrations to the Lord (see Kempe, 1985: 220, ch. 
1.76). But Jesus insisted that she care for her husband, reassuring her that in 
doing so she also served him. W e  see this repeatedly throughout her book. 
Margery, reflecting the dominant values ofher day, rejects her wifely duties and 
maternal affections in order to pursue holiness. Jesus responds by insisting that 
those same duties and affections are the means to holiness. By the end of her 
account, we can only conclude that despite her ambivalence, Margery was 
convinced that "God loves wives also" (Kempe, 1985: 84, ch. I.21), that 
performing wifely duties, including engaging in sexual intercourse, and bearing 
and birthing children was no obstacle to holiness. 
Margery Kempe authored her spiritual autobiography for the edification 
and instruction of others. But most medieval wives and mothers found more 
mundane ways to manoeuvre within the conflicting values and expectations 
confronting them. One of the places or spaces in which they did so was a 
popular childbirth ritual known in that day as the purification ofwomen after 
childbirth, more commonly spoken of today as churching. From the eleventh 
to the sixteenth centuries in England and Europe it was customary for a new 
mother to go to her parish church with a group of her women relatives, friends 
and neighbours some four to six weeks after having given birth to receive a 
blessing. Before mass, the new mother would kneel at the door of the church 
with a candle in her hand. There the priest would greet her, sprinkle her with 
holy water while reciting a psalm and a prayer, and then take her by the hand 
to lead her into the church. 
This rite concluded a woman's puerperal confinement. In medieval 
England and Europe, a woman customariiy retreated from normal society in 
the latter stages of her pregnancy to be tended by the local midwife and a 
company of her women relatives, friends and neighbours until her purification 
(see Wison, 1990: 70-78; Cressy, 1997: 201-05). During that time, which 
lasted approximately six weeks, the pregnant and newly-delivered woman was 
exempt, or prohibited, from her normal duties and obligations, including 
household tasks like cooking and marketing, and sexual relations with her 
husband. Instead, she and her companions gathered in the birthing chamber 
where they gossiped and ate special food and drink. Folk wisdom held that 
during pregnancy and while she was experiencing post-partum bleeding, a 
woman was more susceptible to the influence of the devil, in danger herself' and 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering 1 155 
Becky R. Lee 
a threat to those around her (see Karant-Nunn, 1997: 83). The Church 
considered her defiled by the sexual act made obvious by her pregnancy. 
Participation in this ritual purification after childbirth reinforced those 
negative stereotypes. The postures and movements prescribed for the newly- 
delivered mother in the purification rite configure the maternal body as 
unclean, impure and dangerous (for the rubrics ofthe rite see Henderson, 1875: 
xix, 23,213-14). The new mother kneels outside the door of the church, with 
a candle in her hand, in an attitude of supplication. Before admitting her to the 
church, the priest stands over her, recites a psalm and several prayers, and then 
sprinkles her with holy water. Only after this symbolic rebaptism does he 
extend his right hand to her, raise her to her feet, and lead her across the 
threshold into the church. She then proceeds to a special pew reserved for her 
and her female cohort, called the childwife pew, separating them from the rest 
of the congregation until the final blessing of the mass which completes the 
purification. 
But even as the purification rite reinforced the notion of the maternal body 
as unclean, impure and dangerous, it also provided a forum in which that gender 
stereotype could be resisted and reinterpreted. Although the childwife pew 
served as a fence, segregating the new mother from the rest ofthe congregation, 
it was also a place of honour. After having been welcomed at the door of the 
church and led over the threshold, the new mother and her company ofwomen 
processed to the chiidwife pew at the front of the church, traditionally a place 
of honour and prestige. Although the ritual actions of this rite reinforced the 
impurity of the maternal body, the psalms and prayers recited by the whole 
congregation on her behalf are ones of thanksgiving for her fertility and safe 
delivery, and petitions for her continued safety in this life and the next. The only 
other time a woman was recognised and celebrated publicly like this was her 
first marriage (Karant-Nunn, 1997: 85). 
The new mother's companions were also prominent in the public eye 
during the purification rite. A pregnant and newly-delivered woman was 
surrounded by a company ofwomen, who by virtue of their own status as wives 
and mothers were immune to the spiritual dangers posed by her maternalbody. 
Within that company, normative gender relations were turned upside down 
(see Wilson, 1990: 85-93). The midwife ruled the birthing chamber. The 
woman's husband was subject to her authority in his own home. The 
midwife along with the other female companions also ensured that he tookcare 
of the household whiie his wife rested and recuperated. They also safeguarded 
the new mother's right to refuse intercourse until the time of her purification. 
The midwife also had sacred power, for she was empowered to baptise dying 
infants (see Gibson, 1996: 150). This not only confounded the boundaries 
between male and female gender roles, but also the distinction between clergy 
and laity. 
When the new mother and her cohort ofwomen processed to the door of 
the church and sat in the childwife pew on her purification day, their subversion 
156 1 Volume 7, Number 1 
Between a Rock and a Hard Place 
of the prevailing gender roles and stereotypes was brought out ofthe privacy of 
the birthing chamber into the public forum. The rite of the purification of a 
woman after childbirth provided a forum in which the society of women 
occasioned by pregnancy and delivery was recognised. Its exemption from 
everyday routines, and the roles of authority and leadership women played 
within that society were validated (see Wilson, 1990: 92; Gibson, 1996: 149). 
In assuming their place in the childwife pew, medieval women allowed 
themselves to be fenced off, reinforcing the notion of the maternal body as 
impure and dangerous. At the same time however, being set apart allowed the 
puerperal woman and her female companions a privileged place and a space 
within which to express and explore alternative understandings of the maternal 
body, the puerperal woman, and women's individual and collective place. The 
ambivalence of medieval Christianity toward the maternd body placed medi- 
eval mothers between a rock and a hard place. However that ambivalence also 
allowed them opportunities to resist, subvert and manoeuvre within the 
conflicting expectations and values of their day. 
Aversion of thispaper waspresented at the 7th Annual Conference of theAssociation 
for Research on Mothering at York University, October 24-26,2003. 
References 
Atkinson, Clarissa W.  1983a. Mystic and Pilgrim: The Book and the World of 
Margey Kempe. Ithaca and London: Cornell University Press. 
Atkinson, Clarissa W.  1983b. "'Precious Balsam in a Fragile Glass': The 
Ideology of Virginity in the Later Middle Ages."JournalofFami/y Histo y 
8: 131-142. 
Atkinson, Clarissa W. 1991. The Oldest Vocation: Christian Motherhood in the 
Middle Ages. Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press. 
Cressy, David. 1997. "Purification, Thanksgiving, and the Churching of 
Women." Birth, Marriage, and Death: Ritual, Religion, and the Life-Cycle 
in Tudor and Stuart England. Oxford: Oxford University Press. 197-229. 
Gibson, Gail McMurray. 1996. "Blessing from Sun and Moon: Churching as 
Women's Theater." Bodies and Disciplines: Intersections ofLiterature and 
Histoy in Fifteenth-Centuy England. Eds. Barbara A. Hanawalt and 
David Wallace. Medieval Cultures, 9. Minneaplois: University ofMinne- 
sota Press. 139-154. 
Glascoe, Marion. 1993. Englirh MedievalMystics: Games ofFaith. London and 
New York: Longman. 268-319. 
Henderson, W. G., ed. 1875. Manuale etprocessionale ad usum insignis ecclesiae 
Eboracensis. Surtees Society, 63. Andrews & Co. 
Hirsh, J. C. 1975. "Author and Scribe in The Book ofMargey Kempe." Medium 
Aevum 44: 145-150. 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering 1 15 7 
Becky Lee 
Karant-Nunn, Susan C. 1997. "Churching, a Women's Rite." The Reformation 
$Ritual: An Intelpretation $Early Modern Germany. London and New 
York: Routledge. 72-90. 
Kempe, Margery. 1985. The Book afMargey Kempe. Trans. B.A. Windeatt. 
London: Penguin. 
Neaman, J. S. 1988. "Potentiation, Elevation, Acceleration: Prerogatives of 
Women Mystics." Mystics Quarterly 14: 22-31. 
Wilson, Adrian. 1990. "The Ceremony of Childbirth and its Interpretation." 
Women as Mothers in Pre-Indush-ial England: Essays in Memo y ofDorothy 
McLaren. Ed. Valerie Fildes. London and NewYork: Routledge. 68-107. 
Zizioulas, John D. 1985. "The Early Christian Community." Christian Spir- 
ituality.- Origins to  the Twelfth Centu y. Eds. Bernard McGinn and John 
Meyendorff, World Spirituality, 16. New York: Crossroad. 23-43. 
158 1 Volume 7, Number 1 


Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Motherhood in Medieval Europe

Anderson, Trela

Trela Anderson 
Sugar Bread Dreams 
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to 
look after orphans and widows in their distress.. ." 
-James 1:27 
In 1991, as a sophomore in college, I read the poem "Harlem," by Langston 
Hughes for the first time. Actually, I had glanced at the lines long before then, 
having memorized them as part of an assignment in sixth grade. I remember 
standing in front of the classroom, looking up at the ceiling, and reciting the 
poem in that sing-songy voice that we as children so often use. Songs are easier 
to memorize than poems, I think, so we lyrically transform every other mode 
of expression into a song. 
At age eleven, it was difficult for me to view Hughes' poem as anything 
other than a song. It  rhymed and rolled easily off my tongue. These character- 
istics, accompanied by a choppy fourteen-line structure, made the poem look 
approachable on the page. Also, the fact that many of its images conjured up 
food was appealing. When I got an opportunity to really readthe poem, to scan 
its lines for some underlying meaning, I realized that I wanted this poem to 
mean something personal to me. I wanted a relationship with it: 
Harlem 
What happens to a dream deferred? 
Does it dry up 
like a raisin in the sun? 
Or fester like a sore- 
And then run? 
Does it stink like rotten meat? 
150 1 Volume 7, Number 2 
Or crust and sugar over- 
like a syrupy sweet? 
Maybe it just sags 
like a heavy load. 
Or does it explode? 
My grandmother dreamed dreams often, but she referred to them as 
"visions," often reciting, Without a vision, thepeopleperish. She believed that we 
should always believe in something bigger than ourselves, even when we 
couldn't yet see it with our eyes. She had spent most of her years living by such 
a principle. In her twenties, she left Hernando, Mississippi-a bold move for 
a black woman of her age and time. She moved into a house and worked odd 
jobs to survive, believing that one day things would get better, that something 
would change. 
Such was the case when she legally adopted her nearly two-year old 
grandson Terrence. It was a decision she had contemplated for a while, praying 
intensely and going several hours without food. She had raised five sons and a 
daughter ofher own, mostly alone, and initiallywanted to spend her latter years 
free from the worries and stresses that come with being responsible for someone 
else's life. 
Grandma was a born care giver. I remember her spending hours on the 
telephone praying for her fellow church members. If someone were ill, she 
visited them in the hospital. She sometimes opened her home to those others 
would fear or label "suspect" because she was never afraid to love. Even before 
adopting Terrence, she would speak of the possibility of becoming a foster 
parent, particularly to the "crack babies" she heard about via news specials and 
reports. When Terrence came along, he was the fulfillment of her natural 
inclinations-her beautiful gift wrapped in marred paper. 
Terrence was my uncle Bubba's son. We met him for the first time when 
he, his mother Cathy, and Uncle Bubba stopped by our house one night. 
Grandma was there, too. At  the time, Terrence was only a few months old and 
peculiar looking. His body was thin, shriveled and wrinkly, and his face bore a 
grimace, as though he already knew something ofthe world's harshness andwas 
eagerly awaiting the ability to speak, an opportunity to complain. A nurse who 
works with my sister says most babies born into poverty or other harsh 
conditions have such a look. "It's like they emerge from the wound knowing 
something ain't right," she said, "as if God has pre-equipped them with the 
maturity they need to handle their circumstances." 
When Terrence left the house that night, Grandma commented on his 
appearance. "Lora, that baby is funny-looking to me," she told my mother. 
'You know what he looks like?" 
"What, Mama?" 
"A little spider monkey," Grandma said. 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering I 151 
Trela Anderson 
"A what?" 
"A spider monkey," she said, again. 'You know. . . those little monkeys 
with the skinny arms and legs and a big head. I think they have them at the zoo. 
You know. A spider monkey." 
"Oh, Mama, you're being mean," Mama giggled. "He's a cute little boy. 
He just needs to be better taken of." 
"I guess so," Grandma said, reluctantly. "He mighty funny-looking to me, 
though." Grandma paused for a minute. "Lora," she said, "who does that baby 
look like to you? Is it Bubba or his Mama?" 
'Well," Mamaresponded. "He looks just like Bubba to me. He has Bubba's 
small head and long, narrow face. They look just alike. He's a cute little boy to 
me," she said again. "He just needs somebody to take better care of him." 
"Well," Grandma said, "since I found out I got another little Grandson out 
there, I need to go ahead and put his name in my vessel." 
Grandma's "vessel" was a ceramic vase stocked with silk flowers that stood 
on the night stand next to her bed. It had been there for years. As a child, I did 
not know its significance and would meddle with it insipidly, arranging and re- 
arranging the flowers according to their various shapes and colors, sometimes 
taking bundles of them out of the vase and scattering them along the floor. 
Finally, Grandma revealed to me that the vase stuffed with flowers was her 
prayer vessel. "Try not to mess with Grandma's flowers, okay, baby," she said 
to me one day after witnessing the mess I'd made. "That's Grandma's prayer 
vessel." Inside were small balls ofwhite paper, containing people's names. My 
name was on one of those pieces of paper. So was that of my mom, dad, sister 
Kesha, cousin Tarja, and all of Grandma's sons-Terry, Gary, Claudell, 
Herman, Jr., and Edison-, my granddaddy and Grandma's ex-husband, 
Herman, Sr., and a slew of others, including famous people, such as Aretha 
Franklin andTinaTurner. Every morning Grandma awoke to anoint her vessel 
with holy oil and pray that God would meet the needs of each of us. Afier 
meeting Terrence, she added his name. 
I t  was only after attending a special church service that Grandma decided 
to pursue Terrence's adoption. A woman prophet was preaching that night and 
towards the end of her sermon, she signaled for a few people to approach the 
altar so that she could pray for them individually. One of those persons was 
Grandma. "God has specific instructions for you," she told her. "He wants you 
to go ahead and get custody of your grandson. And . . . Yes, he is indeed your 
grandson. God says that ifyou don't get him and get him soon, he's gonna lose 
his hearing." 
W e  had received news of Terrence contracting numerous ear infections, 
but assumed it was nothing serious and that he had received proper treatments. 
We  had also heard rumors of his cooking exploits, how he waddled into the 
kitchen ofhis mother's tiny apartment on some mornings, dressed in little more 
152 ( Volume 7, Number 2 
Sugar Bread Dreams 
than a soiled, baggy diaper, in an attempt to open the cabinets and reach for a 
skillet. Sometimes, he even reachedupwards to try and turn on the stove. When 
we first heard the story, we laughed, but cautiously. 'What kind ofchild is that," 
Grandma asked. "He must be a smart little something. . . I ain't never in my 
life heard of such, have you? Why in the world would a little baby like that have 
to try and fix himself something to eat?" 
"I don't know," Mama said. "He must be something else." 
'Well, all I know is that when a baby gets to the point where he has to try 
and fur himself something to eat, something is wrong," Grandma said. "That 
means it's time for him to go." 
I t  wasn't long before Grandma began attending court sessions and signing 
legal documents to get custody of Terrence. It was her labor of love and 
obedience towards God. She knew it wouldn't be easy, especially financially, 
but was once again willing to trust God and exercise her faith. 
W e  all knew the real reason that Terrence came to live with Grandma, but 
we were hesitant to discuss it, at least in his presence. Grandma had prayed and 
fasted for years that her son Bubba would stop using drugs. Bubba, why don'tyou 
stop using 'thatstu&'or How much longer areyougonna be on 'that stu&' she would 
ask. He  had gone to a drug rehabilitation center up near Nashville once or twice, 
but always returned to Memphis and his familiar crowd, becoming re- 
entangled with his past sins. 
Grandma didn't believe that Terrence should have to suffer for his dad's 
mistakes. So, in 1988, he officially moved in with her, a woman fifty years his 
senior. At the time, she lived on Inez Street, a neighborhood inhabited mostly 
by the elderly. Yet, there were lots of children there. In the mornings, you could 
spot them walking orriding their bicycles in droves to school. During the spring 
and summer, they ran out of their houses, frantically, chasing the ice cream 
truck. I didn't realize it then, but Grandma and Terrence had become part of 
a new trend, particularly within the black community, that of grandparents 
raising their grand kids. 
Their relationship was not without antagonisms, particularly at mealtime. 
Terrence had become accustomed to eating much differently from Grandma, 
often demanding that she fix his favorite meal, sugar bread, which consisted 
merely of a slice of white bread sprinkled with white sugar. One day while 
Grandma was preparing dinner, Terrence vehemently insisted on having sugar 
bread as opposed to the spaghetti and meatballs that Grandma had prepared. 
"I want sugar bread, Grandma," he mouthed. 
"You want what, baby," Grandma asked, moving her ear closer to his lips 
in an effort to better understand him. 
" I want sugar bread, Grandma," he repeated, softly. 
'You want sugar bread, huh? What's that?" 
"I want sugar bread, Grandma," Terrence said again, becoming frustrated. 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering 1 153 
Trela Anderson 
"I don't know nothing about no sugar bread, Terrence,'' Grandma said. "I 
ain't never had none of that." 
"I want sugar bread," Terrence yelled. "Sugar bread!" 
"We don't eat sugar bread around here, Terrence," Grandma answered, 
raising her voice above his. 'We eat real food, not sugar bread! That's dog food!" 
Grandma shoved the plate ofspaghetti in his direction. "Now you either eat this 
or eat nothing." After a while, Terrence settled into his chair and slowly began 
eating the spaghetti that Grandma set before him. 
Terrence and Grandma spent the next three or four years getting to know 
one another, each of them becoming more and more intrigued by the other's 
behavior. "He's such an old man," Grandma said ofhim. "He's like a young boy 
trapped in an old man's body." Terrence liked to wear old polyester suits as a 
child. And he collected paper, plain white paper, which he carried around in a 
large brown paper bag. On  several occasions, Grandma tried to throw out the 
sack, considering it clutter, but Terrence wouldn't allow it. Those papers were 
important to him. He used it to practice his writing, often opening the bag and 
pulling out a random piece to scribble his name or draw a stick-figured animal. 
Once he was done, he returned his masterpiece to the bag, folding down its top, 
and carrying it with him wherever he went. After a while, Grandma began 
findingwhat seemedlike mounds ofpaper throughout the house. "I don't know 
what I'm going to do with all of this paper Terrence is leaving around the 
house," she said. "Why would someone want to keep and carry around a bag of 
paper. I just don't understand." Mama said that Terrence was becoming a 
packrat like Grandma who kept everything she ever owned, protecting it. 
Now, she had been given the assignment of protecting Terrence. 
The day that Grandma called Mama on the phone to discuss Terrence's 
future college plans was a funny one, especially since he was only in the fourth 
grade. It seemed that Terence after watching the NCAA Basketball tourna- 
ment on television, had decided that he wanted to attend Duke University. "He 
really likes taking things apart and putting them back together," Grandma said, 
concluding that Terrence would become an engineer. "I don't know when the 
Lord might call me home, Lora," she told my mother, "but I just wanted you 
to know that I do want Terrence to go to college. If I'm not here, y'all be sure 
to help him fill out the papers." 
"We will," Mama assured her. 'We will." 
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Sugar Bread Dreams