DigitalCommons@C.O.D.

Solonenko, Alexa

The Prairie Light Review 
Volume 46 
Number 1 Fall 2023 Article 70 
Fall 12-1-2023 
And This Is How I Felt 
Alexa Solonenko 
College of DuPage 
Follow this and additional works at: https://dc.cod.edu/plr 
Recommended Citation 
Solonenko, Alexa (2023) "And This Is How I Felt," The Prairie Light Review: Vol. 46: No. 1, Article 70. 
Available at: https://dc.cod.edu/plr/vol46/iss1/70 
This Artwork is brought to you for free and open access by the College Publications at DigitalCommons@COD. It 
has been accepted for inclusion in The Prairie Light Review by an authorized editor of DigitalCommons@COD. For 
more information, please contact orenick@cod.edu. 
Sometimes when I contemplate my childhood I get a sense of dread 
rushing through my grown-up, full-figured body. It must be the same 
dread that I felt at an after-basketball team dinner when I pulled out 
a calorie tracking book just to make sure the slice of pepperoni pizza 
the waiter slapped on my plate was Weight Watchers approved. Or 
the same dread I felt in the Von Maur dressing room getting fitted 
for an “adult bra” by a random employee who had never seen a girl 
so young having to get professionally fitted for underwire. Now that 
I think about it, I still haven’t forgiven my grandmother for that day, 
even if she was just trying to help.  
The more I let the outside world influence me and take charge of 
me, the more I began to see what they all saw. I looked in the mir-
ror every morning after putting on my Catholic school uniform and 
I would pull and tug at the fabric draping my front side so it didn’t 
cling so much; a habit I still haven’t let go of. My obsession with alter-
ing my clothing quickly snowballed into wearing up to 5 high-impact 
sports bras at any single time. The goal was to make myself appear 
as flat on every side of my body as humanly possible. Only middle 
school Mia would look up to the storybook character Flat Stanley as 
an inspiration. I shake my head as I type this because, when I close 
my eyes, I can still feel the scabs that would develop under my arms 
from where the elastic from the undergarments would dig and drag 
against my flesh. My parents started to beg for me to take them off 
when it was bedtime but I would put up such a fight that we usually 
would compromise with only wearing two sports bras over one of my 
dad’s Carhartt t-shirts so it would create a barrier between me and 
the nylon torture chambers. The scarring eventually got so bad that in 
the seventh grade, a doctor at Good Samaritan hospital questioned 
my family about any physical abuse that might be occurring in the 
household. No, it was just a product of me and my insecurities. I would 
rather constrict myself so much with seven layers of clothing than be 
seen with my natural curves.  
I cannot seem to put a finger on the exact moment it all changed for 
me. It must have been the culture shock of transitioning from a pri-
vate elementary school to a public high school that made me realize 
how important being different was. Instead of trying to blend into 
a crowd that didn’t even treat me with any respect, it was finally my 
chance to be whomever I dreamed of as an emotionally suffering 
middle schooler. My dad was generous enough to lend me money just 
before freshman year to start a new wardrobe… with the promise of 
throwing away any restricting undergarments. And for a while, I loved 
whom I was developing into. But, it was not without its challenges. Even 
in high school, I would often come across a scenario or a comment 
brought by either a peer or a family member that transported me 
right back to the little girl crying into her stuffed animals. And, I would 
be lying if I said all of those insecurities are behind me as a 24-year-
old woman writing this paper. In fact, most of those insecurities that 
other people planted are still inside of my mind somewhere. The real 
challenge is to not allow any water to nourish those plants.
I look back at photos of little Mia and can’t help but tear up a little. 
An always smiling mouth with soulful eyes gleams back at me. The 
water that forms in my ducts gathers quickly as I think about the world 
of hurt projected onto her perfect little mind. I would protect that 
little girl from every danger in the world and fill her mind with love 
and hope and… I pause at the thought and chuckle as a flashback 
of me hesitating to get out of my car earlier today in fear that the 
“Maxxinistas” in the TJ Maxx parking lot would point and laugh at 
me springs into my head. The reality of it all is that no matter how 
much time and therapy has passed, I will always be the girl getting 
pushed into the mud at recess and being sent to a weight loss summer 
camp across the country to try to stop the bullying from her peers. 
She still lives inside of me but now that I’m almost at the age that the 
prefrontal cortex stops developing, I realize that while I cannot pre-
vent people from expressing their opinions, I can control how I react 
to them. Only taking in uplifting and positive energy from others and 
choosing to leave negativity behind is just one of many ways I have 
decided to navigate my life. One would say that’s easier said than 
done and I would have to wholeheartedly agree. But if I didn’t at 
least try, I would be letting down my inner child–just like everybody 
else once did.
And This Is How I Felt, Photograph  _Alexa Solonenko
6968
1
Solonenko: And This Is How I Felt
Published by DigitalCommons@COD, 2023


English

And This Is How I Felt

Valdes, Samantha

The Prairie Light Review 
Volume 46 
Number 1 Fall 2023 Article 75 
Fall 12-1-2023 
Water Bonds 
Samantha Valdes 
College of DuPage 
Follow this and additional works at: https://dc.cod.edu/plr 
Recommended Citation 
Valdes, Samantha (2023) "Water Bonds," The Prairie Light Review: Vol. 46: No. 1, Article 75. 
Available at: https://dc.cod.edu/plr/vol46/iss1/75 
This Artwork is brought to you for free and open access by the College Publications at DigitalCommons@COD. It 
has been accepted for inclusion in The Prairie Light Review by an authorized editor of DigitalCommons@COD. For 
more information, please contact orenick@cod.edu. 
See The  Blue Bird in The Garden, Acrylic on Canvas 
 
_Tania Blanco
Water Bonds, Digital Artwork  _Samantha Valdes
7372
1
Valdes: Water Bonds
Published by DigitalCommons@COD, 2023


Water Bonds

Blanco, Tania

The Prairie Light Review 
Volume 46 
Number 1 Fall 2023 Article 76 
Fall 12-1-2023 
See The Blue Bird in The Garden 
Tania Blanco 
College of DuPage 
Follow this and additional works at: https://dc.cod.edu/plr 
Recommended Citation 
Blanco, Tania (2023) "See The Blue Bird in The Garden," The Prairie Light Review: Vol. 46: No. 1, Article 76. 
Available at: https://dc.cod.edu/plr/vol46/iss1/76 
This Artwork is brought to you for free and open access by the College Publications at DigitalCommons@COD. It 
has been accepted for inclusion in The Prairie Light Review by an authorized editor of DigitalCommons@COD. For 
more information, please contact orenick@cod.edu. 
See The  Blue Bird in The Garden, Acrylic on Canvas 
 
_Tania Blanco
Water Bonds, Digital Artwork  _Samantha Valdes
7372
1
Blanco: See The Blue Bird in The Garden
Published by DigitalCommons@COD, 2023


See The Blue Bird in The Garden

A summary of what I contributed for my Research proposal is about  housing and how many people who identify themselves as homeless  might not afford it. Considering I’m primarily focusing on the correlation between housing and homelessness, I had decided to research  an organization that helps assist the vulnerable by providing them with  shelter or care. I had also mentioned that California was a big hotspot for  homelessness and how it makes it the largest population compared to other U.S. states. Community Housing Advocacy and Development also  donates money to charities for providing rental services.  Faculty Sponsor: Professor Alejandra Orteg

College of DuPage

Not a member yet

And This Is How I Felt

Water Bonds

See The Blue Bird in The Garden

On the Topic of Homelessness

Editor\u27s Note

On the Other Side

Perspectives of a Day Gone Bad

Dream Current

Creative Mind

Hello

7,467

11,908