Journal of the Motherhood Initiative for Research and Community Involvement (JMI - York University)

Cooley, Nicole

160            Volume 11, Number 2
Suitcase
Nicole Cooley
Gold-zippered, blue plaid, gilded with initials: suitcase
we were told to pack in case of a new attack. Girl’s suitcase,
my grandmother’s gift for those first sleep-overs. 
I fill it with duct tape.  Cipro hidden in the lining of the suitcase.
The pediatrician refused to give the drug but, yes, I begged, cried, 
I demanded. In the Before, this would be my daughter’s suitcase.
While she slept inside me, I’d pack a silky nightie, toothbrush.
In the third trimester, I’d lie in bed and arrange the suitcase.
Now: Swiss Army knife.  Distilled water. Potassium Iodide
to carry with us at all times when we leave our home. In case of –
tablets to swallow immediately as the subway fills with smoke. 
This city permanently on Orange Alert, the ready suitcase
waiting while I nurse my daughter, watch the news.
In the After, another day of jewel-blue sky, I pack the suitcase, 
seal the windows as we were told against possible chemical attack,
but still we breathe in the burning, the ash, the soot.
Plan an evacuation route. With each warning, the city shuts tunnels,
cuts us off. We’re packed and ready, with our suitcase.
I watch the news. I already know I won’t have another child,
not in this city.  Packed and ready for the next attack: our suitcase.
 Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering          161 
Folio
Now the baby no longer fits in the circle of my arms.  Pregnant,
I’d dreamed the girl I’d birth as safely miniature, kept in a suitcase.
You must be ready, the tv tells us. To leave your life,
for the safety of your family.  I lay my daughter in the suitcase
stamped with my initials, n.r.c., letters engraved long ago
on a headstone, and now not mine,  not hers, no one’s suitcase.


English

Suitcase

Patterson, reviewed by Serena

 Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering        183 
Book Reviews
Tug of War:
 A Judge’s Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, 
and the Bitter Realities of Family Court 
Harvey Brownstone.
Toronto: ecw Press, 2009.
Reviewed by Serena Patterson
There was once a time, in the late 1970s and early 1980s, when mental health 
workers were optimistic about children and divorce. With the advent of no-
fault divorce in the 1980s, advice to “stay together for the sake of the children” 
was more or less set aside, and parents blithely believed that if they were more 
fulfilled, their children would be better off, as well. That confidence is now 
widely considered a case of self-delusion. Researchers such as Wallerstein and 
Kelly,1 and Amato and Booth2 have joined a generation of grown children to 
raise the alarm about the long-term effects of being caught in what Justice 
Brownstone refers to as a “Tug of War” between parents. 
Unless one dwells in the media space of the religious right, the old mo-
rality question of whether or not parents should divorce has been dead for 
some time. The question has shifted from, “should parents divorce?” to “how 
should parents divorce?” In part, this is because research can never answer the 
first question: divorcing and non-divorcing families are very different to begin 
with, and become more so with exposure to single-parent stigma and poverty. 
Researchers and advice manuals (of which there are many) now focus on the 
possibility of a “good divorce” and on the preventability of post-divorce conflict 
between parents. Justice Brownstone’s book follows this tradition, not passing 
judgment on divorce itself but hoping for a better outcome if parents behave 
well. But Brownstone’s book is unique in its focus on the system through 
which divorce is legally mediated. Although he does not spell out a critique 
of the family court system, it soon becomes clear that if one were to design 
a system to help parents achieve a “good divorce,” the law courts would be a 
poor starting point. 
Justice Brownstone’s book should, and probably will, be much recom-
mended and circulated among friends, clients, and professionals. He gives a 
judge’s eye view of the family court system, including the role and the impor-
tance of family law lawyers, the kinds of decisions the court is asked to make, 
admissible and inadmissible evidence, the reasoning of judges, the limits of 
what the court can—and cannot—achieve, and the frustration of judges who 
are faced with woefully unprepared litigants representing themselves. He il-
lustrates these issues with vignettes told, not from the parents’ perspective, 
but from his own. This makes for gripping reading, and he explains many 
otherwise incomprehensible experiences of litigants who expected, perhaps 
184        Volume 11, Number 2
Book Reviews
miraculously, a fair and unbiased “day in court,” Judge Judy style. Brownstone 
is very readable, and his fairness and decency toward the people that he sees 
in family court is palpable. He humanizes both the litigants and the judges 
involved in a daunting process. 
Much of Justice Brownstone’s book is like a travel guide through a strange 
land, without which the traveler, already stumbling and disoriented by relation-
ship and family breakdown, would surely be lost. And, like any good travel 
guide, this one does not pretend to replace the in-vivo expertise of a local who 
knows both the language and the procedures necessary to navigate: Brownstone 
is firm in recommending that no one go through family court without a lawyer. 
Although he spells out many general trends and principles in family law, he 
stresses the variability across jurisdictions and individual cases. Given the hu-
man and financial stakes, his advice to always obtain professional guidance is 
well-placed, though frustratingly out-of-reach for many parents.
Justice Brownstone also devotes chapters to avoiding litigation through 
alternatives (mediation, collaborative divorce, and arbitration), and determin-
ing when going to court is necessary. He assures us that most divorces, even 
those involving children, are resolved outside of court (all but approximately 
ten per cent). 
Still, that ten per cent of cases (a rough estimate, Justice Brownstone 
concedes) absorbs a huge amount of court time and resources, and the notion 
that “everyone loses, especially the children” remains the most agreed upon 
truism about family court. No one really knows how many common-law and 
legal marriages with children simply break up without a divorce order, how 
many are “resolved” through one partner avoiding conflict and/or agreeing to 
terms that are dictated by the other, or how many cases return to court after 
the initial settlement breaks down. Some parents return to court year after year, 
stopping only after the children become adults. The system that is supposed 
to help parents to advocate for their children and to reach a resolution is, to 
most couples, completely destructive to the co-parenting relationship. This is 
truest when co-parenting skills and trust are especially weak. 
Perhaps it is unfair to criticize this book for what it does not do, given 
that it serves as an exemplary guide. After all, it is in part the lack of a politi-
cal agenda and gender bias that makes this such a useful book. A fair deal 
for parents, as Justice Brownstone repeatedly reminds us, is not the goal of 
family court. In discussing joint custody (and why it is inappropriate in most 
contested cases), he states, 
Custody cases are concerned with the best interests of children, not 
the best interests of parents. If … a court concludes that a parent 
should have custody … this is not being done to reward or punish 
anyone. It is being done because it is in the child’s best interests to 
be in that parent’s custody despite his/her faults. 
 Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering        185 
Book Reviews
This honesty about the court’s viewpoint is invaluable, and many parents 
might be comforted if they could absorb Brownstone’s embedded message of 
absolution: if one loses, it is not necessarily because one deserves to lose. The 
absence of false hope based upon assumptions of the “natural” entitlements of 
mothers, or fathers, is part of what makes the book trustworthy. 
Still, this reader longs for more critical analysis. Family law is a power-
ful agent in the construction of the normative family. It re-creates, reflects, 
and powerfully enforces expectations of motherhood and fatherhood. What 
is revealed and what is hidden, what is “relevant” and what is not, what is 
accepted and what is condemned in family court reflect the economic and 
moral constraints that bind fathers, and especially mothers, in a particular 
time, culture, and nation. 
It did not escape this reader’s attention that the author is a gay man, who 
honours his “husband” in the book’s dedication and introduction. This, I thought, 
might be the source of his unusual gift of gender neutrality, even fairness, in 
presenting issues that are commonly obscured by claims of court bias for, or 
against, women or men. But I also wondered how the role of family court in 
enforcing gendered expectations could have escaped his attention, given the 
recent and ongoing struggles of queer parents for equality in family court. 
A second quibble that I have with the book is the theme of parental “ma-
turity,” which Justice Brownstone repeatedly asserts as the answer to nearly 
every problem. As a psychologist who is responsible for custody and access 
evaluations, I am well-acquainted with a literature that seems determined 
to pathologize any and all parents who find themselves in a legal battle over 
children. Leading psychological experts hold palpable disdain for conflictual 
parents, and this parent-blaming bias in the literature contributes to the shame 
that parents experience in the litigation system. Surely, individual personal-
ity disorders or personal maturity account for only part of parental difficulty 
with the court system. Although Brownstone seeks to humanize parents, I 
was hoping for a more systemic and less individualized analysis of what goes 
wrong between former partners now turned litigants. . 
What would a system look like, I wonder, that profited from drawing out 
the best, rather than the worst, from distressed parents? What sustains a system 
of family law that is rooted in concepts of disputed property, when nearly a 
century ago we relinquished, in theory, the notion of women and children as 
chattel? Imagine the reform if we all started from a different place.
 1Wallerstein, Judith, and Joan Kelly. Surviving the Breakup: How Children and 
Parents Cope with Divorce. New York: Basic Books, 1996.
 2Amato, Paul, and Alan Booth. A Generation at Risk: Growing Up in an Era of 
Family Upheaval. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 2000. 


Tug of War : A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court

Rosenzweig, reviewed by Rosie

176        Volume 11, Number 2
Book Reviews
many women giving birth to their first children in the 40 to 44 age range” (3, 
emphasis in original).
Despite differing circumstances that lead to the delay of motherhood, all 
women choose to become pregnant when they feel ready, both financially and 
psychologically, to have a child. Once they are ready, women enter family life 
through natural childbirth or adoption, with determination, commitment, 
and a great deal of joy. 
As with other social phenomenon, later motherhood has positive and 
negative features. Gregory cites later mothers’ high levels of education, equal 
relationships with their partners, and financial independence. Also, since 
these women often enter motherhood at an advanced stage of their careers, 
they have the power to negotiate employment flexibility. Invariably, however, 
later mothers tend to have fewer children and feel less energetic. They also 
face the possibility of infertility, although reliable statistical data on this issue 
is not available. 
Despite the many benefits of later motherhood, it is important to note 
that this path is usually chosen by women of socially privileged backgrounds. 
In fact, the majority of women giving birth still have to juggle mothering and 
poorly paid jobs; they experience financial insecurity and lack career oppor-
tunities. Later mothers, Gregory suggests, can effectively change this social 
reality by advocating for the rights of mothers of all ages, cultural backgrounds, 
and social status. 
Ruth Nemzoff has written a long-needed primer on the fundamental relationship 
between mother and child. She has authored an easy-to-read book that begins 
where pediatrician Dr. Spock and his followers left off: parenting the adult 
child. Nemzoff advises parents to reassess their expectations of adult children 
(regarding college, career, marriage, and grandchildren), to reassess self-esteem 
garnered from the accomplishments of their offspring, and to examine the child 
resident in every parent as a result of his or her own childhood. She advises 
against biting one’s tongue with adult children. Instead, her book “reimagines 
the process of second-stage parenting as a time to get to know our children as 
adults, and to allow them to get to know us” (4).
Don’t Bite Your Tongue: 
How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with
Your Adult Children  
Ruth Nemzoff.  
New York: Palgrave Macmillan, 2008.
Reviewed by Rosie Rosenzweig
 Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering        177 
Book Reviews
According to Nemzoff, parents need to reconcile their fantasies with the 
reality of their adult children and unearth a new vocabulary for the childhood 
descriptors “parent” and “child.” As she wryly notes, today “Grandmothers 
wear jeans and elementary-school children wear high heels.” 
How, then, should parents build solid relationships with their adult children? 
How can they nurture open discussion of such potentially contentious issues as 
finance, career, relationships, marriage, grandchildren, religion, and ethnicity? 
Nemzoff offers the example of Maggie and Morgan who endured decades of 
Morgan’s mother’s vocal disapproval. Their love endured through separation, 
eventual marriage, and three children. Due to the judgmental attitude of her 
mother-in-law, however, Maggie’s mother is the preferred grandmother by her 
children while Morgan’s mother is repaid for her lack of tact and insight with 
the absence of their affection.
As Nemzoff warns, disapproval—when directly expressed—will alienate 
the adult child. She counsels parents to voice their concern in a gracious, tactful, 
and understated way that shows support for their adult children. Nemzoff ’s 
many years as a relationship coach provide appropriate examples for readers 
to follow. Each chapter concludes with questions to guide our thinking about 
lifelong parenting and to help readers gain insight into themselves, their 
children, and their society.
… I have been invisible,
weird and supernatural.
I want my black dress.
I want my hair
curling wild around me.
I want my broomstick
from the closet where I hid it.
Tonight I meet my sisters
in the graveyard.
Around midnight
if you stop at a red light
in the wet city traffic,
Mother Matters: 
Motherhood as Discourse and Practice
Andrea O’Reilly, ed.  
Toronto: Association for Research on Mothering,  2004.
Reviewed by Jennifer Hauver James


Don't Bite Your Tongue : How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children

Wyatt-Nichol, Heather

Blue-Collar Mother / White-Collar Daughter : A Perspective on U.S. Policies Toward Working Mothers

Delle Robbins-Herring, reviewed by Kittye

190        Volume 11, Number 2
Book Reviews
describes her mother’s support while the speaker breastfeeds her infant daughter. 
“Backhand” often refers to being physically struck, but here Norman is struck 
emotionally by her mother’s gentle support.  Norman’s poetry invokes the notion 
of a photo album, filled with images that are sharp and distinct as photographs, 
others that are fluid, alive, and extraordinary in their ordinariness:
 
Into This Poem
I want to freeze memory
in this poem
 halt change
  erase time
but the squirrels
tear the roof off the bird house
and finish off the seeds
the fingers come out of the mouth 
the melodies end
the school bell rings
The Queen of Cups 
Colette Yvonne. 
Little Britain, on: Panic House, 2006.
Reviewed by Kittye Delle Robbins-Herring
This satirical novel set in Canada is part comic quest, part cautionary tale: 
from the very first page the wisecracking narrator Pauline Parril lurches from 
quandary to quandary, disaster to disaster, in her search for a more satisfying 
life. Readers will laugh with her as well as at her (and themselves) as they 
follow her adventures.
Pauline Parril embodies many of the contradictory impulses that confront 
twenty-first century wives and mothers: “Becoming a mother means adopting 
alst (Acceptably Late Standard Time)” (208), juggling personal, professional, 
and family needs. First, Pauline, unable to choose between two pairs of dress 
shoes she cannot really afford, buys both and minutes later steps into fresh 
concrete in her new wedges, leaving nothing but “the shiny gold buckles” vis-
ible (1) when she is forced to retreat to safer ground. Her dismay is ironically 
intensified by the fact that she had just ignored workmen’s warning shouts, 
mistaking their cries for “vile and oppressive behaviours.” Next, on return-
 Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering        191 
Book Reviews
ing to the office, she receives “a severe blow to my working woman ego” (3) 
when she is laid off, yet quickly consoles herself with the idea that (thanks 
to unemployment compensation) she can now enjoy a paid vacation. Leisure, 
however, will prove elusive.
At her neighbour Bibienne’s house, Pauline sips Mai Tais and visits an 
Internet Tarot site. The reading there shows her “the Queen of Cups, the 
good woman card, seated in the terribly auspicious Position One” (5), rep-
resenting Pauline herself. The specific site she visits is not mentioned, but a 
similar online site describes the Queen as “a woman who has more feeling and 
imagination than common sense” [http://www.biddytarot.com], a description 
that fits Pauline all too well. Although she has been trained in the military as 
a wilderness survival expert, she seems unlikely to survive the travails of work 
and family life.
Cups of coffee, cups of laundry detergent, even bra cups define Pauline’s 
life. She veers from fitful job hunts to make-over misadventures with henna 
powder to an encounter with a bear while camping with her two younger 
children, Jack and Olympia, to troubles with dog-sitting, to bridesmaids from 
hell when her old army friend Regina decides to get married. Motherhood 
brings her more exasperation than joy. She regrets abandoning her youthful 
motto: “Never have kids, pets or plants” (13). She worries that her husband 
Donald may be straying, envies the freedom of her teenaged daughter Seren-
ity and her own widowed mother, and yearns for an affair with Michael, the 
handsome teacher with whom she shares “coffee and Camus” (82). With her 
worry about “fanny size” (11), her crush on Michael, and her daydreaming, this 
sardonic anti-heroine is like a much-married version of Bridget Jones, only 
funnier. She is aware of the women’s movement, without getting much benefit 
from it: “I adopted a radical feminist perspective on doughnuts and gained two 
sizes” (35). It is a tribute to her pluck and wit that she remains a sympathetic 
character to readers throughout her few triumphs and many misfortunes. Let’s 
Seven Floors Up 
Cati Porter. 
Bay City, mi: Mayapple Press, 2008.
Reviewed by Dorsía Smith Silva
Cati Porter’s volume of poetry, Seven Floors Up, explores events of everyday life 
and meditates on the details of women’s diverse experience: raising children, 
caring for parents and pets, and balancing the responsibilities of household 
tasks. While most of the poems in this collection focus on domestic experi-


The Queen of Cups

untitled

Hesch Anstey, Erica

Contaminating the Hallowed Maternal Body: A Feminist Approach to the Dilemma of Endocrine Disruptors on Maternal and Child Health

Machara, reviewed by Margaret

188        Volume 11, Number 2
Book Reviews
and intuitive, than a political loyalty. [...] Call us members of the Mothering 
Party” (5). Despite this intended separation, however, the overwhelming major-
ity of the collection’s essayists are, in fact, left-leaning mamas who announce 
their political affiliations. Again and again, for example, we read of the writ-
ers’ disappointments regarding the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections. As a 
left-leaning mama myself, I identify with their sentiments. And yet, I wonder 
about the absence of maternal voices from the “other side” of the fence. Sarah 
Werthan Buttenwieser’s “The Secret Lives of Babysitters”—albeit indirectly—is 
one such essay. Framing her contribution around the backdrop of the 2004 
election, Buttenwieser describes her struggle to make sense of the discovery that 
one of their family’s favourite babysitters is also the vice-president of the Young 
Republicans club. While diatribes from women whose motherhood inspired 
them to become anti-abortion activists would be out of place in this volume, 
surely there could have been a way to include the middle ground and thereby 
add a little diversity to challenge the reader and strengthen the collection. 
Diary for a Daughter: August 1969 - August 1970 
Katherine Dickson. 
United States: Xlibris Corporation, 2006. 
Reviewed by Margaret Machara
Katherine Dickson’s Diary for a Daughter is an intriguing peek inside the mental 
journey of a mother after the birth of her second child. Present throughout the 
challenges and doldrums of everyday life is the author’s family: husband, son, 
and especially her new daughter. As she seeks to define herself as a woman, 
a mother, and a writer, tension rises between Dickson and the members of 
her family.
Dickson’s book begins with change: relocation to a new home and the 
impending birth of her second child. Overwhelmed by a sense of euphoria she 
states, “everything seems so beautiful, and the whole atmosphere is swathed 
in mysterious expectation. I love the house. I love Frank. I hope to God this 
doesn’t all change after the baby is born. Everything I could possibly want is 
right here” (18). 
Not long after the birth of her daughter, however, the new mother begins 
to fear losing herself. Throughout her daughter’s first year, she is troubled by 
an inability to write. In addition, although she loves her husband Frank, her 
doubts about her own role and personal aspirations manifest as resentment 
and anger towards him. She invites Frank to help define her goals but soon 
interprets his interaction as controlling: “I need lines like in the coloring 
book. Frank offered ‘lines,’ then slowly blurred the picture” (64). Issues of 
 Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering        189 
Book Reviews
identity and control recur throughout the book as Dickson tries to reconcile 
her conflicting feelings. In one diary entry, she feels “like a slave” (49); a few 
days later, however, she resolves “to enjoy my life, Frank and the children. I 
don’t want to have regrets, or resentments. Somehow I feel I have come into 
my own” (52). That Frank recognizes his wife’s unease is revealed in the fol-
lowing entry: “Frank said I was a paradox—a combination of gentleness and 
fury. Once before, he said I was compassionate and ruthless” (106). While 
she accepts responsibility for her actions, Dickson openly expresses anger: “I 
discovered that what I really resent about Frank is that he listens to his own 
drummer and I don’t” (115).
One dairy entry sums up the ambiguity and struggle of the entire year: 
“I want to feel my experience as a whole, to merge political and existential 
concerns, and to keep intact at the deepest levels, the interdependence of 
subjective and objective realities” (112). Although Dickson’s book is about the 
journey of a new mother, her struggle to achieve equilibrium will be relevant 
and familiar to most readers.
Backhand through the Mother
Renee Norman.  
Toronto: Inanna Publications, 2007.
                                        
Reviewed by Joani Mortenson
Backhand through the Mother, Renee Norman’s book of poems on motherhood 
and loss, is exquisitely produced. Norman writes about several issues, such as 
the Jewish Diaspora, celebrating the physical and emotional development of 
her daughters, grieving the passing of a parent, her own aging process, and the 
multifarious acts of mothering. Her lyricism evokes an evolving and fluid sense 
of self and her poetic “snap shots” compel the reader to look and look again. 
Norman’s poems describe traditional Jewish practices and feature prominent 
critical theorists Walter Benjamin and Martin Heidegger as extended family. She 
negotiates the tension between traditional religious practice and the demands 
of contemporary life. Norman brings the reader into her kitchen where she 
serves up poems which capture the minutiae of parenting.  She reminds readers 
of the tender mercies to be found in the bones of raising children. Norman 
exposes herself as undone and undressed by the grief of her daughters leaving 
home, the aging and passing of a parent, and the passage of time as marked 
on her own female, maternal body. 
In “Backhand through the Mother,” Norman explores the tender intimacy 
of being mothered while mothering her own daughter. This poignant poem 


Diary for a Daughter : August 1969 - August 1970

Gerber, reviewed by Nancy

 Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering        359 
Book Reviews
gravity loves the body 
Monika Lee 
London, on: South Western Ontario Poetry, 2008
Reviewed by Nancy Gerber
This book of poems by Monika Lee is an example of l ’ecriture feminine, a 
woman’s writing of the body. As announced in the title, the collection explores 
how experiences of the life cycle—pregnancy, birth, nursing, sexuality and sexual 
encounters, death—are written on the body. Lee offers readers a portrait of 
bodies that betray, decay, dance, and rejoice, bodies that reveal the emotional 
and physical intimacy of the mother-child bond.
One of the themes throughout the collection is the disconnect between 
body and mind, which we see in the physical trauma of childbirth and its ac-
companying joy at the infant’s arrival: “you will crack me open / and the pain 
will leave no bruises” (13). Other kinds of disjunctions are explored in the 
poem “circumventing death” and “a mother’s dying.” The former juxtaposes 
the stillness and silence of a grandparent’s corpse and the tangle of emotions 
felt by those who are grieving. To the adult, “truth is / a stale and hideous 
husk of useless flesh / is worse than nothing”; to the grandchild, grandfather 
is an angel (45). In the poem “a mother’s dying,” the rupture of the boundary 
between birth and death is felt in such lines as “it is akin to her own birth / 
for the child to behold her mother’s dying” and “a mother’s dying is the final 
echo of being born / birth was the first time I lost her / her death will be the 
last” (46). Lee’s identification of the daughter’s separation from the mother 
as the primal loss is evocative and powerful, reminding me of Adrienne Rich’s 
assertion in Of Woman Born that 
mothers and daughters have always exchanged with each other … a 
knowledge that is subliminal, subversive, preverbal: the knowledge 
flowing between two alike bodies, one of which has spent nine months 
inside the other. (220) 
In her introduction to White Ink, published by arm’s Demeter Press in 2007, 
Rishma Dunlop also notes the symbolic significance of the mother’s body 
to the daughter: for women, writing is a reunion with the maternal body in 
particular, and with female bodies in general (3).
In her powerful new book, Monika Lee reminds us bodies, like poems, 
speak a language that is visceral, evocative, sensuous, and real.


Journal of the Motherhood Initiative for Research and Community Involvement (JMI - York University)

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Suitcase

Tug of War : A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court

Don't Bite Your Tongue : How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children

Blue-Collar Mother / White-Collar Daughter : A Perspective on U.S. Policies Toward Working Mothers

The Queen of Cups

untitled

Contaminating the Hallowed Maternal Body: A Feminist Approach to the Dilemma of Endocrine Disruptors on Maternal and Child Health

Diary for a Daughter : August 1969 - August 1970

gravity loses the body

Making Space for Positive Constructions of the Mother-Child Relationship: The Voice of Mothers of Children wtih Autism Spectrum Disorder

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