Journal of the Motherhood Initiative for Research and Community Involvement (JMI - York University)

Dear-Healey, Sally

BOOK REVIEWS
270             VOLUME 3,  NUMBER 2
When Your Children Marry:
How Marriage Changes Relationships with Sons and 
Daughters
Deborah M. Merrill  
Lanham, MD: Rowman and Littlefield, 2011.
Reviewed by Sally Dear-Healey
The purpose of Deborah M. Merrill’s When Children Marry: How Marriage 
Changes Relationships with Sons and Daughters is to “investigate how the tran-
sition to marriage differs for sons versus daughters, and in particular how 
their relationship with their natal (i.e. birth) family changes after marriage 
and the process by which those relationships change.” She begins with the 
age-old question, “Is a daughter a daughter all of her life, is a son a son ’til 
he takes him a wife?” Merrill effectively addresses this question, as well as 
numerous other salient points, throughout this well-written, thought-pro-
voking, and useful book.
Merrill unabashedly addresses the inevitable and often difficult choices 
couples, specifically adult married sons and daughters and their respective 
parents, make about spending time—or not spending time—with “the rela-
tives” and the manner in which those relationships are negotiated and carried 
out. These choices are further complicated by gender and marital status; dif-
fering beliefs, values, and expectations; as well as geographic location, time, 
and money. Providing case studies of five different families, Merrill tracks 
similarities and differences in their responses in order to analyze relationships 
within the context of the family and, more specifically, parent-adult child and 
extended family relationships. Although the sample size is limited, and is not 
meant to be broadly representative, the case studies provide useful examples 
of diversity in individual and collective human behaviour.
According to Merrill, the characteristics of generally positive parent-child 
relationships are relative proximity (living within a thirty-five mile drive of 
one another), frequent contact (at least weekly) often involving an exchange 
of resources, and emotional closeness (shared affection). Although conflict 
and ambivalence are also common, “ambivalence is greater the closer the 
family relationship,” it is “collective” when there are multiple children in the 
family, and it is more common during “status transitions” such as marriage. A 
point often stressed is the sense of obligation parents and children feel toward 
one another, which Merrill reports is more common within a wife’s family 
than a husband’s family. This results in men having more contact, defined as 
BOOK REVIEWS
 JOURNAL OF THE MOTHERHOOD INITIATIVE             271 
emotional support, companionship, affection, and caregiving, with their in-
laws than do women.
Merrill found that “living at a distance is related to worse relationships with 
parents for daughters” and explains that, in some cases, geographical distance 
not only preserves the parent-child relationship, it influences how their indi-
vidual and respective roles are viewed. For example, women in Merrill’s study 
referred, and often deferred, to the “primary grandmother,” the mother of 
the daughter or son who lived closest, when they considered their own living 
arrangements.
This book will prove useful to marriage and family counselors, as well as 
undergraduate and graduate classes focusing on family relationships. 
Bite Your Tongue
Francesca Rendle-Short
North Melbourne, Victoria: Spinifex, 2011.
Reviewed by Julia Lisella
“Some stories are hard to tell, they bite back. To write this one, I’ve had to 
come at it obliquely, give myself over to the writing with my face half turned.” 
Despite her warning of an oblique narrative, Bite Your Tongue tells a difficult 
story with directness, honesty, and a great deal of love. The story captures the 
deep longing of an adolescent girl for the approval and love of a mother who 
was so focused on her moral crusade—to rid Queensland, Australia of “smut-
ty” literature during the 1970s—that she sacrificed her daughter’s well-being 
and safety throughout the years of middle school and high school. Though 
the narrative trajectory recalls many other daughter-mother memoirs, Fran-
cesca Rendle-Short circumvents the pitfalls of blame and revenge to tell an 
intricate tale of attachment, disappointment, and finally acceptance, even ad-
miration for her mother.
Rendle-Short interweaves public and private documents as much as she 
interweaves fiction and memoir. X-rays of her mother’s hands, family photo-
graphs from an old instamatic camera, and copies of documents from library 
archives reveal her mother’s vulnerability as well as her determination and 
drive. The blending of fiction and archival research also allows Rendle-Short 
to examine and eventually understand her own history. For example, Rend-
le-Short’s fictional character Glory discovers that MotherJoy (the fictional 
mother) read all of the books she recommended banning; Rendle-Short’s real 


English

When Your Children Marry: How Marriage Changes Relationships with Sons and Daughters

Esnard, Talia

book reviews
184             volume 4,  number 2
Stepmothering: A Spiritual Journey
Jasjit K. Sangha. 
Bradford, Ontario: Demeter Press, 2012.
reviewed by talia esnard
Many stories related to step-parenting remain either untold or uninterrogat-
ed. This silence or invisibility is part of a broader social system that under-
values the role of step-parents and dismisses the conflicting expectations and 
emotions of step-parents and their step-children.
In her narrative, Stepmothering: A Spiritual Journey, Jasjit K. Sangha pro-
vides insight into the uncertainties, struggles, and agonies, lessons, blessings, 
and joys related to the bond-building endeavour of step-mothering. Through 
her personal lens, a reader connects with the range of emotions linked to 
the challenges of step-mothering: excitement, trepidation, anger, worry, and 
jealousy, for example. Sangha shares her own insecurities, fears and wishes, 
cultural and ideological clashes, persistent conflicts and attempts to overcome 
the trials associated with step-mothering. In so doing, she probes the key 
issue of emotional attachment between step-mothers and step-children and 
how it affects the identities of mothers and children alike.
Sangha’s narrative also gives voice to the emotional trials of children suffer-
ing from the loss of a biological parent and seeking to form new bonds with 
step-mothers. The author examines the complex assumptions and beliefs that 
shape these relationships and shows how they can produce conflicting mo-
ments of closeness and coldness, clarity and confusion. Such tension may 
result in paradoxical feelings of connection and separateness that can either 
enable or inhibit the formation of an emotional bond between step-mothers 
and step-children.
To deepen her personal story, the author heads each chapter with pictures, 
poems, and phrases from other step-mothers. Overall, Sangha’s narrative 
presents a convincing picture of the challenging emotions and mental strain 
associated with step-mothering. She unveils the experiences of women and 
children who struggle with the intricacies, insecurities, paradoxes, and com-
plexities of step-families. She also reveals the importance of culture, religion, 
spirituality, and support systems in helping to build resilient step-families.


Stepmothering: A Spiritual Journey

Pearson, A. Fiona

Navigating Normative Boundaries: The Experiences of Student Parents

Wong, Gina

book reviews
 journal of the motherhood initiative             171 
South Asian Mothering: 
Negotiating Culture, Family and Selfhood
Jasjit K. Sangha and Tahira Gonsalves, eds.
Bradford, Ontario: Demeter Press, 2013.
reviewed by gina wong
This book explores the primacy of selfhood in South Asian mothering con-
texts, specifically how South Asian women “have sought to ameliorate the 
impact of racialization and subjugation through their mothering practices” 
(4). The collection is divided into four sections: “Reshaping, Reclaiming, 
Resisting,” “Mothering, Mental Health and Wellbeing,” “Complicating 
Women’s Work,” and “Iconic Mothering, Outlaw Mothering.” Overall, the 
volume seeks to problematize the cultural disempowerment experienced by 
many South Asian mothers. Topics addressed include the role of Sikh moth-
ers; immigration, isolation, and poverty; the pressure to conform to “South 
Asian cultural ideals of motherhood”; caring for special needs children; 
midwifery experiences; empowering Punjabi Mothers; mothers with home-
based businesses; and the experience of a lesbian Muslim mother. This un-
conventional examination of South Asian women—“outlaw” mothers who 
dare to overstep boundaries of expected norms and behaviours—makes this 
an invaluable collection.
Editors Jasjit K. Sangha and Tahira Gonsalves explore “the subtleties of 
culture and dispel myths or stereotypes about how culture influences South 
Asian women’s mothering practices” (5). In highlighting cultural practices 
and elucidating the experiences of South Asian mothers in the diaspora, the 
editors hope to foster dialogue. Their book makes clear, in fact, that South 
Asian mothers are pushing against subjugating forces. Many embrace moth-
ering practices that empower the individual and challenge norms and cus-
toms associated with caste, gender, sexuality, and physical ability.
I was particularly touched by “Mothers and Warriors,” Sadia Zaman’s po-
etic narrative of her son’s three-year struggle with ill health and the “Moth-
er Warrior” strength she mustered during the ordeal: “I don the armour that 
all Mothers have, the one that protects us during years of sleep deprivation 
and fatigue. I borrow a shield from the eyes of a Mother in the emergency 
room. Her child has just been hit by a car. I carry a sword, the same one the 
Mother next door uses to fight the cancerous cells that attack her little girl’s 
body” (112). In this powerful piece, Zaman shows that women are united, 
regardless of culture and context, in their deep and enduring love for their 
children.
book reviews
172             volume 4,  number 2
South Asian Mothering: Negotiating Culture, Family and Selfhood offers rare 
insight into the experience of South Asian mothers. It should be requisite 
reading for all mothers, psychologists, activists, academics, sociologists, policy 
makers, and health professionals.
Mommyblogs and the Changing Face of Motherhood
May Friedman.
Toronto: University of Toronto Press, 2013.
reviewed by kate williams
In Mommyblogs and the Changing Face of Motherhood, author May Friedman 
takes a poststructural theoretical approach to the digital phenomenon of 
mommyblogs. She relies on the three key terms of hybrid, cyborg, and queer 
to explore the voices of mommyblogs and to “help elucidate more fully the 
complexities of agency, power, identity, and subjectivity of motherhood” (22). 
Friedman contends that mommyblogs should be read as “innovative forms 
of maternal life writing that, taken collectively, begin to shift understandings 
of maternal subjectivity by presenting a public and multitudinous account of 
many mothers’ practices” (27).
The first two chapters, “Introduction” and “A Short History of the Ma-
masphere and the Discursive Construction of Motherhood,” offer historical 
and background information about mommyblogs and place mommyblogs 
within the canon of motherhood theory. In her introduction, Friedman 
grounds the genre of the mommyblog in earlier motherhood theory, citing 
Adrienne Rich’s and Alice Walker’s texts that argue for the significance of 
reading mothers’ stories. Friedman also engages with Judith Butler’s discus-
sion of performance when she writes about the authenticity of mommyblogs 
and argues that “[i]n following Butler’s notions of performativity, I consider 
‘women’ and ‘mothers’ as constructed rather than biologically created, and as 
unstable, incoherent subjects” (21). Chapter two offers an historical perspec-
tive on the development of blogs and mommyblogs. Here, Friedman tells 
readers how she selected the blogs under consideration in this book and her 
methodology for reading and analyzing her chosen blogs.
Chapters three to five focus on the three theoretical terms previously men-
tioned: hybrid, cyborg, and queer. In Chapter three, “On Hybridity: The 
Diversity and Multiplicity of the Mamasphere,” Friedman is less interest-


South Asian Mothering: Negotiating Culture, Family and Selfhood

McKie, Jane

256       VOLUME 3, NUMBER 2
My Daughter and the Hyacinth Macaw
JANE MCKIE
Last night it plucked your left eye, 
held the orb up to the light—sly jeweller, 
miner of desire. 
What did it see?
Blue feathers: your fear of flight.
Black tongue: your fear of death.
Your nightie streaked with violet
guano, I take you in my arms.
Mum, you say, I hate that bird.
During the day we’ll laugh it off, 
squawk at each other, Pieces of eight! 
At least that’s what I hope—
that dreams can be ironed 
like dresses, filed 
like civil buttons.
I hate that bird.
Saying it will make it real.
Instead I cradle you, try to believe—
It’s only a nightmare, darling.


My Daughter and the Hyacinth Macaw

Giles, Melinda Vandenbeld

Educating Our Children for the Future? The Shifting Tides of Maternal Pedagogy

Edmonds-Cady, Cynthia

Motherhood and Agency: American Welfare Rights Activists’ Resistance to State Control over Sexuality and Reproduction

Takseva, Tatiana

Mothering and Teaching: Two Practices on the Same Continuum

Toldy, Csilla

book reviews
 journal of the motherhood initiative             243 
Like other feminist writers, Morrigan affirms an active female embodiment 
and frees herself from so many sexist projections: “yes i am a slut. because my 
pussy is beautiful and insatiable. because i love my body. . . .because my body 
belongs to me no matter how many times i’ve been violated and none of it 
was my fault ever” (58).
There is too little literature that explores the social mistreatment and stig-
matization of survivors of child sexual abuse, including their exploitation by 
professionals, and this reader appreciates Morrigan’s succinct exploration of 
this taboo issue in “spillllll over”:
i don’t want people telling me how damaged i am and that i need 
professional help. i am full of professional help, the good and the 
bad. i don’t want to be … a thesis statement or the proof of some-
one’s else’s point … and no, you can’t cite my sexual partners in your 
footnotes and no, you can’t define these experiences for me … i am 
not … [a] sad story about what happens when children are sexually 
abused. my promiscuity is linked to my trauma and guess what, so 
were my long, codependent monogamous relationships, but i don’t 
ever hear “you were sexually abused as a child, are you sure you’re 
not just using romance to cope?” … it’s too easy to say “oh you were 
sexually abused as a child so that’s why you are promiscuous.” it is 
too easy and it’s also just plain mean. you sound just like my abusive 
ex.… (63-64)
Rupture asserts the right of women to self-determination and shows how 
difficult it is to achieve. The volume will appeal to women readers who seek 
to challenge sexist conditioning and social norms.
An Alchemy of Mind: 
The Marvel and Mystery of the Brain
Diane Ackerman. 
New York: Scribner, 2004.
Reviewed by Csilla Toldy
Essayist and poet Diane Ackerman celebrates the human mind and brain in 
An Alchemy of Mind. As America’s best-known female naturalist she connects 
book reviews
244             volume 4,  number 1
science with art in an emotional and conversational way, so that her book 
reads like a memoir.
Bridging genres is not new to Ackerman. Her very successful book, A Nat-
ural History of the Senses (1990), used a similar same style, cleverly melding 
science and art, non-fiction and a plethora of references to literature. 
While each chapter begins with a quote from world literature, ranging 
from Shakespeare to Henry James, from Rilke to Mark Twain and Emily 
Dickinson, Ackerman’s use of science is thorough and carefully researched. 
Her subject is vast, but she breaks it down logically, discussing evolution, 
anatomy, memory, the self, emotions, language, and the world we share. Her 
chapter headings are evocative and poetic: “The Beautiful Captive,” “Meta-
phors Be with You,” “Remember, I Dream.” Her language is also lyrical, but 
is rich in scientific jargon. 
Ackerman takes readers on a journey from the tangible to transcendence, 
from the physical evolution of the brain to a study of consciousness and per-
sonality, on a roller coaster ride from neuroscience to philosophy. Her eclectic 
style is characterized by philosophical questioning and anecdotal ease. In a 
few notably thrilling paragraphs, for example, Einstein’s brain is analyzed to 
reveal a defect that became an advantage. In another bungee jump, Ackerman 
ascribes the human need for religion to our tendency to feel awe. She bas-
es this observation on scientific research, showing that the neuron is always 
open for excitement. Similarly, the author discusses the theories that define 
human consciousness and mobilizes the building blocks of emotion, nature, 
and nurture to study personality. 
In a chapter about creativity and memory, Ackerman writes about her own 
mind, her artistic genes, and her scientific education which enable her to 
create metaphors and synesthesia—the capacity to combine unrelated things. 
Synesthesia occurs seven times more often in the brains of artists than in 
those of non-artists. This core idea, imported from A Natural History of the 
Senses, resonates in this book’s title to suggest that in an alchemical process we 
create something ever changeable—the mind.
An appendix includes valuable notes and addendum, as well as a helpful 
up-to-date illustration of the brain which labels all the lobes referred to in the 
book. Also included is a list of alchemical symbols. The reader is invited to 
gaze at the page and make her own alchemical connections, to bridge the left 
and right hemispheres of the brain—ultimately, to create ideas from matter.
For Ackerman, the human brain is much more than a mere sum of its parts. 
As she claims in this personal, life-affirming book, “creative ideas are forged 
in an alchemy of mind.”


An Alchemy of Mind: The Marvel and Mystery of the Brain

Triplett, Pimone

 journal of the motherhood initiative            157 
Motherland
(after Robert Hayden)
pimone triplett
The Amsterdam, the Angel, The Dauphin, The Phenix
 Merchant ships anchored at the river mouth
  sails hung like 
   bed sheets after a night of sweat
West to East and back again, we travel in trade of the skin
 “For their use in place of leather, my Lord, 
  whole cargo holds of deer pelt and dried ray,
 the profit free of duty.”
    The Charlotte, The Globe, The Hopewell
   The Hound, The Kristian, The Good Consent
 Girls brought across the border, held down
 in “the room for unveiling of virgins”
Also the rudderless byways, the years’
  tide swell slap at one water bank
 O but I shall not want       Equipped Lord for every good work
And when the plot stutters forward  in circles,    in circus,    in yessirs
pimone triplett
158            volume 4, number 2
 “The ship loaded with silk and rare honey
 young boys adept at the arts of love 
 plus 2 baby elephants bound for His Majesty”
            The Land of Smiles, The Personal Service, The 
   Patent Massage, The Sex Tour
Later one shape, a slope in the mud,
 this contour becoming chronicle
   this history set in stone
 Over 500,000 in U.S. troops stationed, in need of R&R
      The Maiden Tribute, The Modern Babylon, The  
              Millions of Bodies, The Golden Maze
And according to a neighbor the girl called “Lek,” meaning “little,”
was sold at age three to the foreign businessman 
  A wolf speaks, while chewing
  the lamb,
   “I can say quite clearly that
    I do not see anything wrong with my desires”
For the family owed a great debt and the father could not work
   “I believe 
    many children know just what they want”
    
     The Lord is my helper
 “She watched while the neighbor was paid 
 to masturbate him. A few weeks later Lek did 
 the same and continued to do so until she began, 
 at the age of six, to have intercourse with her owner.”
folio
 journal of the motherhood initiative            159 
  That through Him all men might believe 
 “Sending bombardiers and blunderbusses
 His Majesty has resolved to attack, 
 to become its master by force of arms.”
   The Lord is my helper I shall not be afraid 
 
 Each of the girls wears a number 
  as she dances before the mirror
 
    Meantime
    Now
    In between
    Then
    One 
    Shape 
    Not 
    Another
    xx
    Not
    xy
    Get the picture
    Forget the picture
    Meantime
  
  “If 
  I could choose
  I would take just one girl
  I would love her with all my heart”
Number 42 steps forward, shakes
 
 Even angels long to look equipped for every good work
The tv always on and I remember
 
pimone triplett
160            volume 4, number 2
 Mother singing I am
   Siamese if you please 
 As if we could step off the stutter 
   
              Bless The Globe, The Hopewell, The Good Consent
 Plus boners for bill board faces 
 The secret cash-cunt deposit that’s
 Sony’d, Tashiba’d, imf’d, ibm’d
       There by the grace of
 The body wholly body, spirit eaten out
  We travel in trade 
   We owe a great debt
 There is no speaking for here
  Though there is singing 
   “entrusting our souls to the limitless sea”
    Then and now now and then
  the profit free of duty
 the vessels unveiled in the harbor
  
    heavy with rubies, emeralds, diamonds, 
  buying honey and moonlight,
waves on the wood planks shushing, slapping,
 the girl child praying 
I shall not be afraid
   I shall not be
   
