Journal of the Motherhood Initiative for Research and Community Involvement (JMI - York University)

Deans, Jill R.

Book Reviews 
shame, rage, and the years of grieving for their lost children. Gone to anAunt3 
is a scholarly work that is accessible to undergraduate students. This is an 
excellent text for women's studies and sociology courses, students as well as 
general audiences and readers. 
"Bad" Mothers: 
The Politics of Blame in Twentieth-Century America 
Molly Ladd-Taylor and Lauri Umansky, Eds. 
New York: New York University Press, 1998 
Reviewed by Jill R. Deans 
This recent anthology is an amalgam of social and historical criticism 
use l l  to researchers, students, and anyone interested in the culture of blame 
that taints twentieth-century American motherhood. Editors Molly Ladd- 
Taylor and Lauri Umansky, whose own accomplished scholarship appears in 
the book, have gathered some impressive contributors, many well-known, 
others emergent, speaking from a range of disciplinary view points from the 
historical to the legal, the personal to the political. 
Divided by era (early, middle and late twentieth century), the volume 
demonstrates how ideas and stereotypes-like Philip Wylie's poisonous con- 
cept of momirm-took hold and shaped public and professional opinion. I t  
provides origins for the culture of expertise that continues to influence 
perceptions of "goodn and "badn mothers today. Different articles often refer 
to the same culprits-the Philip Wylies, Margaret Mahlers, social workers, 
therapists, and more recently, the courts, fetal rights groups and the media. 
Overlap between articles, however, builds consensus that the power ofuchoicen 
to determine and define motherhood, as Rickie Solinger describes it, does not 
always belong to mothers. 
While the anthology consists primarily of critics, it also contains a short 
selection of actual mom-bashing, presumably to historicize from a more 
primary angle. This section, however, offers a mere taste ofwhat the critics are 
reacting against. Individual articles work better to prove the injustice of those 
who blame mothers for everything from violent children to communism. 
Widely-published scholars like Elaine Tyler May, Katha Pollit, and Betty 
Jean Lifton contribute overviews which are more thoroughly explored in their 
own books. Still, they represent important touchstones for such issues as 
childlessness, fetal rights, and adoption, respectively. Paula Caplan's "Mother- 
Blaming," an excerpt from her popular book Don't Blame Mother, might be a 
206 1 Volume l, Number l 
Book Reviews 
centerpiece, ifitweren't stylistically divergent from the rest of thevolume which 
is more scholarly in tone and depth. Less familiar names were chosen, 
undoubtably, for both their readability and the rigors of their research claims. 
Elizabeth Rose's historical analysis of Day Care and Nursery Schools, for 
example, is an excellent preview for her own upcoming book. Here she explains 
the class-based distinctions in the 1920s and 30s that influence perceptions of 
the "bad" mother, the working mother who is forced to "neglectn her child and 
the affluent mother who "smothers" her child with attention. 
While many ofthe articles approach the politics ofblame in important but 
predictable ways, citing the tension between "experts" with power andvoiceless 
mothers, Annalee Newitz confronts women who speak out, act out and even 
resort to murder to upset motherhood as a defining category. She uses recent 
examples of frlicide to "begin thinking about the kind ofwoman who does not 
need violent crime in order to choose childlessness, and who does not think of 
childlessness as a violent crime." Newitz's piece works well beside articles like 
Umansys on the Karen Carter breastfeeding case, and Annette R. Appell's on 
contemporary child welfare which also feature mothers "out of controln on 
some level. 
None of the authors "mean to downplay real violations of parental duty," 
as the editors put it, but all work to illustrate how a system of power and control 
over the domain of motherhood can prevent some healthy choices and enable 
destructive alternatives. Exploring how and why we evaluate women as 
mothers in this century, can help to unpack the ever- contentious debate around 
the American family and the role of women in the next--some old issues for 
a new century. 
When Mothers Work: 
Loving Our Children Without Sacrificing Ourselves 
Joan K. Peters 
Addison-Wesley, 1997 
Reviewed by Denise Bauer 
This book's subtitle is what attracted me; its promise was fulfied. Joan 
Peters, a doctoral candidate, journalist, novelist and college teacher of writing 
and literature, persuasively and for me, reassuringly argues that working 
mothers shouIdwork. Working and having an identity and life independent of 
familial responsibilities, she claims, creates "freer mothers, stronger marriages 
(and) happier children (131)." 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothm'ng 1 207 


English

"Bad" Mothers: The Politics of Blame in Twentieth-Century America

O'Reilly, Andrea

Maternal Redemption and Resistance in Toni Morrison's Paradise

Griffiths-Maxymiw, Janet

Janet Griffiths-Maxymiw 
"Mothers and Sons Today 
Challenges and 
Possibilities," 
September 25-27th, 7 998: 
A Review" 
Students in Professor Andrea O'Reiffy third year Women's Studies course, 
*Mothering and Motherhood," York Universtiy, attended the "Mothers and Sons: 
Challenges andPossibilitiesJ Conference, September 1998, (Toronto, Ontario) at the 
start of their academicyear. They were required to attend at feast three sessions and 
write ajvepage review ofselectedsessions orp fenaries. One review wouldbeselected 
forpublication in the inauguralissue of thejournal of theAssociation for Research on 
Mothering. The following review by Janet Maxyman was selectedj-om the 50 
reviews received. 
Feminist mothers face a challenge: how do you educate sons about the 
issues of gender equality without alienating them from their male culture? By 
being sensitive to sexism, sons face potential rejection from the masculine 
culture that bestows inclusion, esteem and privilege to "masculine" men. 
Feminists strive for gender equality, yet as mothers, they tend to fear that their 
sons will suffer and be displaced in the patriarchal society. The York University 
conference, "Mothers and Sons Today: Challenges and Possibilities," provided 
a forum for women to examine these and many other important questions about 
the mother-son relation. This paper will review the first and second keynote 
and one concurrent session. 
Speakers in the first and second keynote addresses, and in the session 
"Reconstructing Masculinity at Home" examined how feminist thought has 
affected the mother and son relationship, challenged the belief that mothers 
must distance themselves to allow the masculine development of the sons, 
called into question the cultural definitions of masculinity, and finally shared 
with participants alternative modes of mothering. In the opening paper of the 
first Keynote Plenary entitled "Mothers, Sons and Feminism, Babette Smith 
180 1 Volume I ,  Number I 
equality. She called for a better understanding of the construct of masculinity 
and argued that feminists, by maintaining an anti-male perspective, have 
misunderstood their sons needs and discounted the male culture. Smith 
suggested that it is not that sons lackemotion, it is that we have little awareness 
of the consequences that they face when they appear vulnerable to their male 
peers. When sons become emotionally distant, mothers may tend to accept this 
behaviour, believing it be the romanticised image of what a man should be- 
strong, silent, self sufficient. This relationship reinforces the stereotypical 
relationship of the remote male and the passive female, and perpetuates gender 
inequality. Smith went on to argue that women tend to underestimate boys 
capacity for emotional maturity and do not tend to challenge, and hence 
heighten, their sons emotional maturity in the same way they challenge their 
daughters. Smith sees this as a crucial dynamic. Unless men become emotion- 
ally responsible, they cannot fulfil their own needs, nor the needs of their 
partners and children. Smith concluded that men must play a role in gender 
equality; solutions cannot be imposed from without by feminist ideology and 
by achieving emotional maturity, men have the means by which they can begin 
to sort out problems within their specific male culture-a culture, which she 
points out, we, as feminists, have made assumptions about. 
Babette Smith's theories came as a relief to me but I could also see how her 
stance may affront others. My seven year old son's school yard bravado has 
puzzled me; I have viewed it as aggressive and I can't eliminate it. I t  seems that 
Smith's message is that I can't stop the "wolf pack" mentality, but I should not 
surrender to it. Smith is short on concrete advice, admitting that the construct 
of masculinity needs feminist enquiry, but her strong belief that sons must be 
challenged, must be brought into the emotional spectrum instead of being 
allowed to drift awaywithout accountability, overrides my anxiety and confirms 
my suspicion that masculinity can be damaging to males too. However, for 
women who have been damaged by male violence, Smith's call for understand- 
ing of the male culture may be too much; I would imagine that these women 
would want to distance their sons from the male sphere instead of monitoring 
their participation in it. I also believe that feminist ideology can be of help to 
men; challenging a construct can be an overwhelming taskwhen it envelops you 
and a non-hostile feminist viewpoint could stimulate, even in very subtle ways, 
a male reassessment of "masculinity." 
In the second paper of this plenary "Tuck Me In: Redefining Attachment 
Between Mothers and Sons," Marni Jackson shared her experiences of the 
"negotiation of distance or space" that occurs in the mother-son relationship, 
and she challenged the cultural assumption that maternal "over involvement" 
of mother inhibits male development. Jackson asked, "At what age do you stop 
tucking your son into bed?" What is the appropriate distance or amount of 
attachment between mothers and sons? Surprised by her lapse into conven- 
tional ideas of "motherhood" and unhappy about tensions that had arisen 
between her and her 15-year-old son, Jackson critiqued society's Freudian 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering 1 181 
obsession with sexuality. Jackson claimed that we are "oversexed in fears and 
under-eroticized in behaviour." In our society "sexn must be kept outside of the 
family circle and the intense love for our sons seems inappropriate. By 
conhsing touch with sex, we withdraw physically and emotionally from our 
teenage sons but this withdrawal, deemed necessary for male development, can 
seem to boys that they are being pushed away at a time when they need trust, 
closeness and warmth. Instead ofjust focusing on the growth or development 
of the son, Jackson advocates a perspective that emphasizes the mutual growth 
of both mother and son. Instead of viewing "motherhoodn as a set of rules to 
be applied, Jackson stresses that the mother-son relationship is a dynamic 
relationship: stay dose and negotiate the terrain as you go. 
The third speaker, Mary Kay Blakely shared her experience of mothering 
and challenging the rules of "motherhood" in "American Mom: Reflections of 
an- Outlaw.?' Blakelfi- feminism- grew from- her -experience- of the- pretence-of 
"motherhoodn versus the realities of mothering. She talked about the "bad 
daysn-the long days of caring for small children when she felt unhappywith 
the person she had become. The strictures ofmotherhood demanded apretence 
ofcontinual confidence and capability that eluded Blakely, as it does for most, 
if not all, mothers; she was comforted by the "reality" stories of frustration, 
fatigue, fear and anger that she privately shared with other mothers. Mothering 
within the institution of motherhood is a powerless responsibility; mothers are 
to cany on rules that have been determined by philosophies external to the 
mothedchild relationship. It is a political job and Blakely urges us to question 
the "laws" and determine how we want to mother--will we be inside the laws 
or will we become "outlaws?" It is always a relief to hear in public what you 
yourself have experienced and I valued Blakely's call for a realistic discussion of 
motherhood. Dispelling the myth of innate mothering capabilities would 
eliminate the guilt and tension that mothers feel when the job overwhelms 
them, and would stop that bitter cyde of inadequacy that attacks women's self 
esteem. 
The first keynote address gave me a sense of relief, and validated the sense 
of uneasiness and conflict I have felt about observing the "rules." Smith, 
Jackson, and Blakely didn't provide pat answers but they imparted a powerful 
message: challenge the rules of motherhood that manipulate your relationship 
with your son. By challenging, it is possible to maintain a close and respectful 
relationship, it is possible to attain gender equality and it is possible to alter 
perceptions of the "norm." In the second keynote address entitled "Mothers 
and Sons: Race, Sexuality and Ability," speakers related the challenges and 
benefits of mothering modes that stand outside of the white, heterosexual and 
patriarchal society. In "Lesbians Raising Sons: Bringing up a New Breed of 
Men," Jess Wells asked the audience to consider lesbians as a "people beyond 
sexuality." She listed the challenges lesbians face in parenting, the largest being 
the prevalent belief that only men, and not women, can make men. Lesbians 
parent in a "village" context, and Wells argues that male role models don't need 
182 1 Volume I ,  Number 1 
Mothers and Sons Today: R Revim 
to "sleep in mother's bed"; men in the extended community provide models for 
sons of lesbians. The initial fear of raising a son who is, by virtue of his sex the 
"other" or the "oppressor," was replaced by the hope that lesbian mothers can 
socialise their sons to become a new breed of man. Family arrangements allow 
sons to see women in "non-gendered" roles, demand self sufficiency and 
negotiation in the hce of violence, and encourage acceptance of all emotions. 
Not pre-eminent in patriarchy, these values encourage respect for women. 
Wells believes that the concept of gender is a constructed reality that limits 
individual growth and she used clothing as an example. Not wishing to confine 
her son to imposed gender boundaries, Wells bought her two-year-old son a 
dress and, according to her, he revelled in the sensation and felt confident 
wearing it in public until the age of five. I became tense (as I suspect much of 
the audience did), knowing this to be a cultural transgression. Influenced by my 
personal feelings and Babette Smith's address, I wondered how much consid- 
eration she had for the consequences he would have to deal with. How much 
of "her" was she enforcing upon him? I sensed he was a "test case" for her 
personal beliefs and I disapproved. However, this story released a sadness 
within me because I had become the gender enforcer, censoring my son's use 
of nail polish and pantyhose. For his own protection, I was banishing him from 
the female realm because, essentially, patriarchy reviles homosexuality and 
rigidly defines masculine behaviour. My experience reinforces Well's theme 
that gender becomes enmeshed with concepts of sexuality. 
Black women are not only subject to the rules of institutionalised moth- 
erhood, they are mothering in theviolent context of racism. In "BlackMothers 
to Sons," Carolyn Mitchell discusses how the struggle for black mothers is 
different from that of white, middle class mothers. The African American 
mode of mothering is determined by racism as mothers focus on keeping their 
sons alive in a predominately white culture. The black matrifocal system, 
judged by the Moynihan Report to be the cause of damage to black men, is 
misunderstood by white society. The mother network strengthens African 
American society by perpetuating culture and protecting children. White sons 
have domain in the larger community, but black sons become "suspect." 
Mitchell informed the audience that the American Constitution historically 
regarded the black male as three-fifths of a man and she argued that the 
perception persists, citing the media's distorted focus of black crime as an 
example. She draws our attention to the re-enslavement ofthe black male body. 
The high number of black prisoners provide economic profit for white owners 
of privatized prisons, thus diminishing the incentive for racial equality. Clearly, 
the goal of gender equality pales in comparison to the challenge of defying the 
institutional racism that threatens African American boys. In "Native Perspec- 
tives on the Mother and Son Relationship," Jeannette Corbiere Lavell de- 
scribes her experience of spirituality and sense of community in the Manitoulin 
Island Ojibway Reserve. She points to the position of respect that women have 
traditionally occupied within her culture: the grandmother's duty to name the 
Journal ofthe~ssociationfOr Research on Mothering 1 183 
Janet Grtttbs-Mavmiw 
&id, the communal caring for children, men's deference to women based on 
the native belief that the Earth is a Mother to her people. The pow-wow 
celebrates the community and the reserve is a collective home; Corbiere Lavell 
related, that despite the fact that she and her son lived in southern Ontario, 
Manitoulin Island is where they "belong." Oppression by government and 
church has eroded traditional skills and ceremonies, and "home" is where the 
process of healing and reclamation occurs. 
Jacqueline Haessly is a peace educator and adoptive parent of four special 
needs children, three of whom are boys. In "Mothering Sons with Special 
Needs: One Peacemaker's Challenge," Haessly emphasizes that the act of 
nurturing, instead of solely being a mother's responsibility, should be a group 
dynamic. Haessly's personal experience of family abuse and her work as a 
psychiatric nurse motivated her to become involved in programmes for non- 
violence. Her commitment to the creation of a peacell environment in which 
differences are appreciated, needs and feelings are shared, and conflicts are 
resolved in a positive way enabled the growth and development of her 
challenged children. In an atmosphere of mediation, skills are passed on to 
children and they in turn take responsibility for problem solving and the well 
being of family and community. This approach decreases the expectation that 
it is mother's responsibility to be the mediator, or emotional caretaker, of the 
family. By developing these skills (which tend to be idealized as female virtues), 
sons are empowered and can effect positive change. 
The Session "Reconstructing Masculinity at Home" was well attended and 
provoked a great deal ofdiscussion. In "How to be a Feminist Mom," Catherine 
MacGillivary, challenged the premise that an "essential maleness" exists and 
rejected the idea that feminists should mother their sons with this belief. Rather 
thanviewingchildren as male orfemale, all children should beviewed as human 
beings and should be socialised in the same manner in order to encourage 
common values such as empathy and tolerance. MacGillivary warns feminists 
that they are capitulating their goals by accepting a notion that she considers 
is a means of assigning rigid gender roles and naturalising aggressiveness. She 
recognizes that feminist mothers fear sons will be alienated by their peer group 
and offers an analogy that she believes is helpll. She considers that the 
challenges of feminism and racism are parallel, and feminists could help their 
sons cope with their "distinction" in the same way that racial minorities do: 
using coping techniques to help with not "blending in." She suggests that the 
challenges of feminism and racism are parallel. However, Carolyn Mitchell's 
earlier address indicated that the challenges of racism are much more threat- 
ening than the challenges offeminism and with this in mind, I wonderwhether 
such an analogy is applicable. 
In "Neither Wimps nor Warriors: How Do Mothers Mediate Masculinity 
for their Sons?," Alison Thomas discussed the social construction of male 
gender and assesses the concerns of feminist mothers today. In this century, 
father's absence during the work day meant mother had to impart the values of 
184 ] Volume l ,  Number l 
Mothers and Sons Today: A Review 
From left to right, Nancy Mandell, former Director ofthe Centre for 
Feminist Research, Andrea O'Reilly, Founding President, ARM, Marilyn Lambert, 
Acting Master of McLaughlin College, Jeannette Corbiere Lavell, keynote speaker, 
and her son, Nimke LaveZl. Photo: T d  Urwitz 
Participants at the confmnce, =Mothers and Sons Today: Challenges and 
Possibilities,' held at York University in September 1998. Photo: Tmi Urovitz 
Journal ofthe Associationfor Research on Mothering \ 185 
Janet Gnstbs-Maxymiw 
"masculinity" to the son. Thomas acknowledges other influences such as media 
and school existed but essentially, boys learned to be masculine by not being like 
Mom, who defined the "feminine." The feminist movement produced a "new 
kind of woman" who valued involved, communicative men, and women 
attempted to impart these values to their sons, hence developing a new 
construct of masculinity. Domestic responsibility and awareness of patriarchy 
were the goals of the new masculinity, but some sons reported that this 
knowledge made it harder to fit inwith their friends-they had been made into 
wimps. Further results of an informal survey revealed that mothers risked their 
relationship with sons by critiquing their actions and attitudes, hence jeopard- 
ising the notion of unconditional love. Thomas suggests that, in the ongoing 
process of negotiating masculinity, feminists need to examine "masculinity," 
involve men in the process, and critique without undermining our sons. 
This session was attended by a significant individual, the infant son of 
Catherine MacGillivary. Despite his inability to comment, he seemed to bring 
our sons into the room as we grappled with "masculinity"-how we view it and 
how it defines our sons. Many women talked of the emergence of specific 
behaviour in sons despite their efforts to socialise them otherwise. An artist 
described her growing appreciation of hockey another mother observed her 
double standard ofwanting her daughter to play soccer to encourage assertive- 
ness and her reluctance to have her son play because of the same reason. One 
mother stated the "boys will teach you who they are" and it was a reminder that, 
despite mother's attempts to mediate "masculinity," a son, by virtue of his 
personality and his circumstances, will determine that too. 
In conclusion, the strength of this conference was the diversity of the 
participants. The varying perspectives of the speakers had to have challenged 
the assumptions of each member of the audience at some point. While there 
was not always agreement, there was consensus that the mother-son relation- 
ship needs to be further explored by feminist study. More male participants 
would have provided interesting viewpoints, such as the inside experiences of 
"masculinity." I left the conference with a sense of possibility. I was fortified 
by the call to be aware of the forces of "masculinity" in your son's life, to 
challenge the "rules" that persuade you to retreat for the development of 
"healthf masculinity, and I gained insight and strength from women who 
mother in models not approved or promoted by patriarchy. It was a privilege 
to attend. 
Selected Papers fiom the conference will be published in Mothers and Sons: 
Feminist Perspectives, edited by Andrea O'Reilly, j3rthcomingfiom Routledge, 
Spring2000.A~ well, the Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering 
willpublish an issue on this topic. 
186 1 Volume I ,  Number 1 


"Mothers and Sons Today: Challenges and Possibilities," September 25th-27th, 1988: A Review

Hemenway, Robin L. E.

A Stranger in the House: Middle-Class Stepmothers in Nineteenth-Century America

Editorial Masthead

Etheridge, Robin

Robin Etheridge 
It's Raining Again 
It's raining again and it's cold. I can't remember the last time the sky was 
actually up in the air where it's supposed to be. 
I lay on my bed, tired, and mildly depressed, thinking about the day, while 
my three-year-old son chatters tirelessly beside me. The day has been nothing 
unusual. In fact, most days of late have been so similar that I can't remember 
if anything different has ever happened or if it's always been this way. 
I'm a single parent of one, working part-time and living off the support my 
husband pays me each month. I'm also an English teacher at a language school 
for refugee and immigrant women. This quarter most of my students are from 
the Ukraine. Raisa brought papers today for me to look at. She was worried 
about them and couldn't find anyone to translate them. Raisa has seven 
children, all under the age of ten. She usually asks her ten-year-old son to help 
her make sense of her new foreign world but this time he couldn't understand 
either. The papers were from the child support office. Her husband abandoned 
the family about two years ago and welfare is trying to get him to pay the back 
support he owes. She brought her child, Serge, so that he could translate my 
words of explanation to her. I looked at his sweet little-boy face as I tried to 
explain about his father beingvery late paying for his support. I don't know how 
much he understands about what has happened with his family since coming 
to the United States. I don't understand much myself. I know his father lives 
in another town and hasn't seen his kids since he left to live with another 
woman. From the looks ofthe child support papers, he is only paying about 300 
dollars a month for his seven children. Loud weeping wells up inside of me. 
Raisa recently asked the Minister of her church for help to feed and care 
for her children. He told her to pray. She tells me that here she is much better 
than in the Ukraine. 
Journal oftbe Association for Research on Mothering 1 129 


It's Raining Again

Grant, Jaime

Anticipating Reilly

Pinter, Robbie

Robbie Pinter 
Separation Anxiety 
My blond, blue-eyed boy runs to the door screaming "bye-bye, bye-bye!" 
with all the joy of an exuberant two-year-old. I smile to see him so happy. But 
I know the happiness will not last past the first left turn that leads to his sitter's 
home. Now, we are not going for a leisurely ride around the neighborhood or 
to the grocerywith its promise ofcookies and balloons or to Taco Bell for special 
cheese "sandwiches." I'm now taking him to another woman's home for a full 
- 
eight hours. 
At the sitter's, he will make no field trips, seldom venturing out of doors 
since Karryn, his sitter, also cares for five other children. I will leave him there 
and he will display his new skills for her all day long-he'll make sentences like 
"where Daddy is?" He'll smile and hug her when she hands him his juice cup. 
Helllearn to playwith other children. At least I hope he will. After leaving him 
for short periods this summer, I learned he liked to run and hide when anyone 
new came to the door, clinging to Karryn's legs. He never did that at home 
where he welcomed strangers, prancing around the house like a prince in his 
kingdom. 
T o  my husband and I, he is our prince, almost like our personal "knight- 
in-shining-armor." Fresh from the hospital, he entered our home like many 
newborns do, with cries that often rose to staccato-like screams. But he wasn't 
exactly like most newborns; he was adopted. My son saved us from a life of 
childlessness, a life I could not embrace. My husband and I took him home to 
live with us after another woman walked silently down a long hospital corridor 
to bring him to us. She placed him in my arms and I struggled to hold him 
closely so I could believe he would be mine. I was introduced to a new life, and 
at the same time, my new life. I was reborn as a mother. 
Every day as I leave my son at his sitter's, I try to learn one of those lessons. 
Journal oftbe Association for Research on Mothering 1 11 1 
Recently1 returned to work after almost two years of staying at home with him. 
In those two years I had learned much about mothering an infant and then 
toddler. The traditional jobs of reading books, playingwith "play-dough," and 
buying diapers were ever-present, but each activity was always tinged with a 
familiar refrain: "I have a child!" But I am now learning how to leave that child 
in another woman's care. 
On each shiny new day as I load my toddler, all our gear as well as myself 
into the car, I tell myself that I'm making the best decision I can. He will have 
fun playing with the other children, and Karryn will care for him like a doting 
mother would. But still, he is no miracle to her. 
On day seven of the repeated ritual, I thought, how much longer will he 
do this? My friends at work smile and nod knowingly, "It's only separation 
anxiety," they chant as if coaxed by some eternal, mothering bible. I know they 
must not remember mornings like the one I just had. 
I have wondered if the separation is harder for me because my son is 
adopted. I think the seven years I had to wait to become a mother are still fresh 
in my mind, unabsolved by the two years I've had with him. I want to witness 
the miracle of my son now, especially while he is small and learning about the 
wonders of his world. "It doesn't seem fair." The words are barely out of my 
mouth when I remember that I'll pick him up in only six hours. 
He'll run to me, each foot stretching behind him as he half-dances, his 
arms open wide, ready to jump into mine. I will see him again, this evening, this 
weekend, this summer. I think of rocking him to sleep again tonight after he 
wakes from a bad dream and I again remember the joy I felt when I first held 
him in the hospital. Then it hits me; I will see and hold my son each evening, 
each afternoon, every day. Perhaps the nervousness at being separated from him 
is more mine than my son's; after all, I know how tenuous human connections 
can be, and I remember what my life was like before I became a mother. 
I hope the rhythm of our daily separations and reunions will calm me, the 
routines easing my anxiety. When I leave my son in another woman's arms, I 
cannot forget that he is bound to me, his adopted mother, by an untested cord. 
Each day1 am learning to hold that miracle in trust, because each eveningwhen 
I see him again, I behold its power in my son's laughing eyes-that is a tie that 
binds. 
112 1 Volume I ,  Number 1 


Separation Anxiety

Norman, Renee

Renee Norman 
I'm not ready 
for the big black Sony Space Sound 
radio 
taking up haf her dresser space 
the classical tapes 
returned to the stereo cabinet 
Red Riding's Hood given away 
I only just folded the diapers into 
dustclothes 
dismantled the crib 
donated s m d  sleepers to the play- 
room dollhouse 
I watch her 
by her radio 
still deep in thought 
dreaming to the raucous music 
I see myself 
by the screen door 
tears pouring down my eyes 
1 gaze out at prairie sunset 
blood red dulled by summer haze 
chequered in the tiny squares 
of front door lookout 
Happy Birthday, Sara! 
my mother's radio playing 
songs that make me cry 
apron tied 
she dances round our kitchen 
making dinner 
I want to hide that radio 
in her room 
cover it 
paint it white 
unplug it 
smash its speakers 
glue the buttons down 
give it away 
But I won't 
it's me there by the radio 
the sunset's calling 
it once spoke to me 
I'll play her radio 
dance around her room 
put clothes away 
tuned to a classical song I like 
wish it wasn't there 
98 1 Volume l, Number l 


Happy Birthday, Sara!

Chandler, Mielle

Queering Maternity