Journal of the Motherhood Initiative for Research and Community Involvement (JMI - York University)

Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering
Fall/Winter 2001, Vol 3, No 2, 212 pages

Cuomo, Amy

Book Review3 
children. "Building character and Optimism" offers ways to teach empathy, 
courage, humour, and other qualities that instill an essential inner sense of 
power. Another chapter considers ways to create balance in the electronic age. 
The book's strength is not in mining any one area but in covering a wide 
territory. Each chapter offers insight, advice, and resources for further explo- 
ration. As a whole, the bookis an effective catalyst as well as a reference guide 
for busy parents who themselves need more time to pause and reflect. This 
brings me to another desire: for help with my own balance. Perhaps I need to 
turn to Wilson's previous book Restoring Balance t o  a Mother's Busy Lfe.  One 
ofWilsonJs greatest gifts is her focus on mothers as well as children. She knows 
that creating lifestyles that support today's families involves everyone. 
Wilson's voice is compassionate and reahstic. Speaking from experience as 
well as observation, she knows that motherhood is not easy. She understands 
the challenges of raising a spirited child and the desire to help one's child excel 
in a competitive world. But she is wise to question a path that disregards the 
need for rest and rejuvenation and offers a model of parenting that attends to 
our instincts rather than societal pressures. 
Reunion: 
A Year in Letters Between a Birthmother 
and the Daughter She Couldn't Keep 
Katie Hern and Ellen McGarry Carlson 
Seattle: Seal Press, 1999 
Reviewed by Amy Cuomo 
Reunion is a moving account of a relationship between two women who are 
biologically mother and daughter, yet complete strangers. Linked by their joy 
in writing, as well as their biology, the women reveal themselves to one another 
as they begin a process of discovery. Katie Hern and Ellen McGarry Carlson 
are writers whose love of craft is apparent in their letters. Their correspondence 
is humorous, occasionally painful, and uncompromisingly honest. The book 
reads like a finely crafted epistolary novel and gives its audience the furtive 
pleasure ofreading another's mail. Reunion encapsulates theyear in which Katie 
and her birthmother Ellen first make contact after a separation of twenty-six 
years. The letters and emails, which constitute the book, provide the reader 
with extraordinary insight into adoption and tell of their remarkable journey. 
The bookis arranged chronologicallyand begins with Katie's letter ofintroduc- 
tion to her birthmother. The letters are intimate and revealing. The earlyletters 
are particularly provocative and raise the question, 'What do we choose to 
180 1 Volume 3, Number 2 
Book Reviews 
reveal when we wish to tell another who we really are?" Katie tells Ellen about 
her family, her relationship with her lover Cara, and her participation in the 
"Lesbian Avengers." Questions of identity, inexorably linked with adoption, 
recur in Katie's dialogue. Over the course of the year, Katie comes to realize the 
profound impact that being adopted has had on her life. Ellen's early letters tell 
the story of Katie's birth and how she came to give up her daughter for 
adoption. Ellen provides a personal glimpse into the history of adoption in the 
U.S. in the late 1960s. She articulates the shame associated with becoming 
pregnant out of wedlock; her lack of control; and the pain she felt when sent 
away from her family. 
Ellen and Katie's letters, emails, and phone calls eventually lead to a 
meeting. The book's climax takes place offstage as details of their meeting are 
revealed only in letters. Pictures of Katie and Ellen together signify their 
reunion. The second halfofthe bookshows the difficultiesin reunions between 
birthmothers and their children. Overwhelmed, Katie withdraws from Ellen to 
sort out her feelings. Eventually, she and Ellen are able to establish a solid 
friendship and arrange for subsequent meetings. Their discussion about 
adoption continues, however,since Katie's brother Matt is also searching for his 
birthmother. Matt's search for his birthmother, which results in rejection, 
provides a much-needed counterpart to Katie and Ellen's success story. In an 
afterward to the letters, the women assess their relationship and their journey. 
Katie reveals that her adoptive mother has been terribly hurt by Katie's search 
and subsequent relationship with Ellen. 
This book is an absolute must for anyone seeking a birthmother and for 
readers concerned with mother-daughter relationships. Reunion, makes clear 
that the process of uniting a birthmother with her child can come with a 
tremendous price- a price which many are willing and eager to pay. To  
paraphrase Katie Hern, I too have become aware that, in addition to all the 
good, adoption involves a tremendous loss. 
Raising Up Queens: 
Loving Our Daughters Loud and Strong 
Esther Davis-Thompson 
Philadelphia: Innisfree Press, 2000 
Reviewed by Erika Howitz  
In Raising Up Queens, Esther Davis-Thompson takes on the difficult task of 
voicing the experience ofraising daughters. She speaks to blackwomen oftheir 
struggles as mothers and women in North America. Davis-Thompson talks 
Journal ofthe Associationfor Research on Mothering / 181 


English

Reunion: A Year in Letters Between a Birthmother and the Daughter She Couldn't Keep

Fox, Faulkner

Faulkner Fox 
Sex In Canada 
Billie Holiday sings 
and you wash my hair 
in the deep htchen sink. 
Your fingers move like a charm, 
and you kiss my neck. 
It's toasty in this, your family farmhouse, 
because of the old wood stove. 
It  must be 20 below outside, 
snow four feet deep. 
W e  go upstairs to the study, 
your professor father's place of escape, 
and we make love on the narrow wooden bunk, 
hand-built by your father, 
an ex-farm boy, now intellectual. 
It's warm enough to be naked 
with no blankets, stove pipe running 
right along our bunk, and you push off 
from the log wall- 
off and into me. 
There is no place like this 
in my family. 
Warm, well-loved, hand-built. 
Welcome to the farm, you say 
when I arrive, covered in wet snow. 
Journal oftbe Association for Researcb on Mothering 1 75 
Faulkner Fox 
Hot cinnamony lasagna bakes in the oven. 
The next day, we make some maple syrup- 
such deep, hard work that I fell asleep 
at the kithcen table, holding a sieve. 
W e  keep out some of the sap, drink it straight. 
Taste the coolness, you say. Taste the winter. 
This is it. 
Some of it I've never even imagined. 
I'm gonna have some kids with you. 
76 / Volume 3, Number 2 


Sex in Canada

Downe, Pamela J.

Stepping on Maternal Ground: Reflections on Becoming an "Other-Mother"

Duval, R. Shannon

Artifact/Ideas and Parenting for Social Justice

Holleman, Marybeth

Book Reviews 
about the importance of pride in being a woman and a mother. She discusses 
the struggles in destructive marriages where women are treated as punching 
bags and end up broken. Davis-Thompson provides her readers with a 
fascinating look at the experience of depression and pain, and suggests that 
depression may be one way a woman can slow down to listen to her inner self. 
The author also addresses the unforgiving aspects of a culture where black 
women have children during adolescence without having the chance to finish 
high school. Their dreams and hopes become shattered and their growth 
becomes stunted by the guilt that overtakes them. Davis-Thompson encour- 
ages her readers to rise above guilt, to listen to their pain, and learn the lessons 
and strengths it brings. 
The book is abound with words of wisdom. Davis-Thompson believes 
mothers should speak to their daughters so that their daughters can voice their 
feelings. She suggests that we can help our daughters develop into strong, self- 
loving women by taking an inner journey and acknowledging our own pain, 
values, limitations, and love. 
Raising Up Queens focuses on mothers as the main driving force in our 
daughters, development. Even though mothers are ever-present in their girls' 
lives, there are many other factors that influence development. If "mothers are 
the garden we grew in" (121), it is important to note that gardens grow in a vast 
soil. W e  must avoid placing sole responsibility for a daughter's development on 
her mother. 
Boys Will Be Men: 
Raising Our Sons for Courage, Caring, 
and Community 
Paul Kivel 
Gabriola Island, B.C.: New Society Publishers, 1999 
Reviewed by Marybeth Holleman 
When I gave birth to my son nearly ten years ago, I began a search for books 
thatwould help me raise him to be emotionally, mentally, and physicallywhole- 
outside of the burdens and boundaries of stereotypic masculinity. I bristled at 
terms like "mama's boy," as I did at suggestions of well-meaning friends and 
relatives that I should stop breast-feeding, "especially since he's a boy." Instead, 
we took our son's name, James, and called him Jamie- both because of its 
gender-neutrality and because it suits him. I nursed him until he was five, still 
let him sleep with me when he wants, and cuddle him every morning. 
Kivel's Boys WiIIBe Men, is one of the books for which I searched then, but 
in vain. I t  follows in a long-overdue line of books about raising boys to be 
compassionate and responsible human beings. Extending from and comple- 
182 1 Volume 3, Number 2 
Book Reviews 
menting the excellent books, The Courage to Raise Good Men by Silverstein & 
Rashbaum and Real Boys by Pollack, Kivel takes the task of raising our sons out 
into the streets. First, Kivel challenges us to "see every boy as one of our sons." 
Kivel says we must first learn to have empathy for all  boys before we can 
successfully help any boy have empathy for himself and others. Second, he 
emphasizes community over the nuclear family. He urges us to teach our sons 
how to get ahead and get together. 
Specific chapters provide hands-on suggestions for parents in nearly all 
aspects of a boy's life, from family rules to sports to relationships with women 
to homophobia. Kivel shows us how to become allies with our sons and how 
to help them become allies with themselves and others. In keeping with the 
overall theme of reaching out beyond the nuclear family, the final chapters focus 
on community action. The connection between individual and community is 
central to Kivel's message. In his words, "Personal awareness is only useful if 
it can be connected to social practice." 
The book is graced with beautiful black and white photographs by Kathy 
Sloane. Kivel makes appropriate use of questions throughout the book- some 
to ask ourselves, some to ask our sons- to help us consider our own situations 
and to help us communicate with our sons. Finally, Kivel has compiled an 
extensive, topically-arranged resource list of books and organizations. 
This book would be more complete, however, with a chapter on the non- 
traditional family in all its evolving forms, including shared custody/two 
homes, single parenting, absent parents, and blended families. Kivel refers far 
too briefly to the real and important issue of divorce and its impact on pact. 
Our Sons Were Labeled Behaviour Disordered: 
Here Are the Stories of Our Lives 
Joy-Ruth Mickelson 
Troy, NY: Educator's International Press, 2000 
Reviewed by Justyna Sempruch 
Their sons are diagnosed as hyperactive, severely depressed, and possibly 
suicidal. In school, administrators segregate them in Behaviour Disordered 
classrooms, and consult psychologists. Pharmacotherapy is strongly suggested 
and sophisticated vocabulary is used to make their mothers feel helpless. 
In Our Sons Were LabeledBehaviorDisordered, Ruth Mickelson intertwines 
her academic discourse with personal stories (letters) written directly to the 
interviewed mothers. She chooses narrative inquiry as her research method and 
includes the testimonials of mothers daunted by professional opinion. Moth- 
Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering 1 183 


Boys Will Be Men: Raising Our Sons for Courage, Caring and Community

Fields, Joyce W.

Emery, Megan Fields

Preschool Books: An Assessment of Conflict Resolution Skills Available to Young Children Through Reading

Steele, Cassie Premo

Cassie Prerno Steele 
The First Sea 
I imagined you before you were born 
as a water creature, but the mind 
of a mother cannot hold the depths 
of what gifts will come. How could I 
have known how much you would love 
the land, want to walk with me on it 
after swimming for such a short time 
in the flesh of my body? You cry, 
the crash of the cold on your toes too much, 
so I take you back to the edge of land 
where the trees began, and your tears 
mix with the salt and sand in my milk. 
You drink it in, the love of this world, 
as you begin to turn away 
from your mother, as we all do, 
cry for where we came from, 
even as we walk away and say goodbye. 
88 1 Volume 3, Number 2 


The First Sea

Dickinson, Debbie

Book Reviews 
ers, trapped in socially determined constructions, are left to their own devices, 
but it is not always bad tolet mothers speakand decide for their chiidren, argues 
Mickelson. Who could claim to know their sons better? Who knows what is it 
like to live in the world of antidepressants, unable to communicate? I t  is while 
listening to mothers that Mickelson is able to see the boys as individuals and 
to define their frustration, despair, and hope. To  recognize them, she con- 
cludes, is not to summarize, evaluate, or diagnose them but to try and live with 
them every day. The theme of hope emerges repeatedly throughout the 
mother's stories. 
Little is heard from mothers, Mickelson argues correctly, since they often 
are stereotyped and humiliated along with their children. Dismissive and 
inappropriate statements, such as "Find me a BD kid and I'll find you his BD 
mom," shut too many doors and limit potential treatment. Mickelson repeat- 
edly emphasizes that her letters do not provide clear cut, black-and-white 
pictures but complex kaleidoscopic realities that should uncover the individual 
buried under "a load oflabels." Her study confirms that behavioural analyses are 
valuable only as ongoing interpretations. 
Self-Esteem - A Family Affair 
Jean Illsley Clarke 
Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1998 
Reviewed by Debbie Dickinson 
Self-esteem is a catch all phrase that puts most parents in a quandary. How do 
we raise responsible and confident children and encourage independence and 
creativity? How do we best shape our children's emotional well being? These 
questions are adequately answered in Jean Illsley Clarke's book, Sey-Esteem, A 
Family Afair. The title itself places the responsibility for the emotional 
wellness of children on the entire family. Positive self-esteem can be achieved 
through advising and supporting chiidren and by acknowledging that both 
parents and children need reassurance. As a result, the responsibility for 
children's self-esteem does not fall wholly on one parent. In the past, for 
example, mothers have been blamed for the problems of low self-esteem, 
especially in their daughters. 
Through examples, exercises, and worksheets, parents are guided in the 
skillfd negotiation ofproblem solvingwhich clearly set out the expectations for 
families. With these tools in each chapter, parents have a template that can 
assist in the process of fostering a positive attitude in our children. Let us not 
184 1 Volume 3, Number 2 
Book Reviews 
confuse self-esteem with self-centredness, as the author points out. Many 
children who seem to have a high level of self-confidence are hiding under 
negative feelings of self. 
This bookisvaluable for parents, teachers, caregivers, and extended family 
members who deal with children and have the ability to enforce positive self- 
esteem on a day to day basis. Most parents may also consider that once their 
children become teenagers or young adults that it is too late to make changes 
to encourage positive self-esteem. Jean Illsley Clarke points out that it is never 
too late to instill positive self-esteem and gives examples ofways to interact with 
children of all ages. The author suggests that parents can use her book to feel 
better about their parenting abilities during various stages of family life. 
Family Pictures: 
A Philosopher Explores the Familiar 
Laura Duhan Kaplan 
Chicago and LaSalle, Illinois: Open Court Press, 1998 
Reviewed by Shelley M. Park 
In Family Pictures, Laura Duhan Kaplan provides snapshots of family life as 
reflected through the lens of philosophy. The book is written, in part, for a 
philosophical audience to whom Kaplan commends storytelling as a method- 
ology that blends "outer and inner lives," effecting a symbiosis of "concrete 
routines with abstract thought about their larger meanings" (138). Yet, this 
delightful book is readily accessible to an interdisciplinary audience. Indeed, 
any person with a family life-in particular, those with parents, children, lovers, 
in-laws, or pets--will find material here that invites self- reflection, as well as 
considerable laughter. Whether on a Hawaiian honeymoon, chasing a toddler 
in an art museum, wearing her deceased mother-in-lads clothes, suffering 
from back pain, or killing fleas in her living room, Kaplan sees both the humour 
in, and the spiritual meaning of, her everyday activities. In taking us on her 
journey, she provokes us to do the same. 
Family Pictures is divided into three sections: Marriage, Adult Daughter, 
and Mothering. ARM readers will take special interest in the latter two 
sections. In the second section, Kaplan explores her relationship with her 
mother, her mother-in-law, and her father. Kaplan reflects honestly and self- 
critically upon her frustration with her mother-in-law's superficial emphasis on 
social etiquette and her mother's equally adamant resistance to social expecta- 
tions. While Kaplan seems to identify most closely with her father, Kaplan's 
criticisms of her mother-in-law's spiritual shortcomings and her mother's 
Journal ofthe Association for Research on Mothering 1 185 


Self-Esteem - A Family Affair

Büskens, Petra

The Impossibility of "Natural Parenting" for Modern Mothers: On Social Structure and the Formation of Habit